#at the grocery store to a complete stranger: oh my wife loves those

[try-set-me-on-fire]

How many times a day do you think chimney manages to casually say wife husband spouse etc

[levisgirll]

Oh can I request a scenario? I've read that some people headcanon Levi as person who isn't really into marriage. And that got me thinking about this. A scenario in where Levi and his s/o mutually break things off because she always wanted to be a wife and have a lovely wedding and to have her husband's last name and he didn't want any of that causing her to think there was no future with him . So they become distant friends and she does get married years later and he is invited. And it's bittersweet since he feels like he might have missed out on a future with her but seeing her so happy he's content with her living her dreams even if it wasn't with him.

I'm here for some bittersweet love ❣️

𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐁𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 (𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

➧text: hello there!! oh my god this is such a unique request I got and I love your ideas in this request?! aHH WELL HERE WE GO! but oml- we do need some drama/angst and some bittersweet love with Levi and Y/N so I will happily write this request out for you (was lowkey wanting to do one) so I hope you enjoy this request and I hope its not that bad!! 😭 but once again, thank you so much for sending me your request and for supporting my blog 🥺❤️❤️ I am so sorry this took a while as I got this request while I was starting my new job and it was hard to balance out my personal life and work life! but I am kind of getting the hang of it so feel free to send another request, I really do love your ideas! <3

synopsis: after a long time being in a relationship together, with Levi. Things start to slowly drift apart and shatter. Levi although, tries to keep it stable, but it has eventually been called and broken off by Y/N, as you were not able to handle the situation anymore, thinking there would be no future with Levi had made you upset and making you want to get out of the relationship. Y/N ends up finding the one, and marrying them. How does Levi react and feel? His one and only love taken away by a stranger leaves him devastated. What does Levi do? What does Levi say to Y/N.

angst, sad/happy love, modern au world, headcanon fanfic ♡ —

After the war, and everything they have been throughout the years, Y/N and Levi decided to move and live together outside Paradis and start a new life there.

It has been a year, and Levi and Y/N have been dating for rather a pretty long time. Things have been pretty good in their relationship, both were happy and living their lives.

Y/N has been thinking a lot lately about marriage though, and especially with her one and only, Levi. Y/N would get lost in her thoughts of how they would officially live together as a married couple, how she would finally be Levi’s wife instead of his girlfriend. She would also wonder and think how lovely and special their wedding would be, how Levi would propose to his girl, and for Y/N at long last have her husband’s last name, being called Mrs. Ackerman would get her all blushed up.

Levi noticed for a while how his girlfriend would zone out, thinking about something and he would wonder what it is that is making his girlfriend so happy and squeal. Y/N was on the coach, while hugging around the coach pillow so tightly and then giggle.

“What’s making you smile like a cute idiot?” He said with a small smile and ruffed his girlfriends hair as he sat beside her on the coach and Levi put his arm around her waist, bringing his lovely girlfriend closer to him.

Levi would not complain though, seeing his girlfriend in this mood, made him think of nothing else but her, and it made him so happy too. He just wanted to cuddle her up and smooch her whole face up as she laughs.

Y/N then wondered and though, ‘Maybe, maybe it’s the time now!’ Y/N then thought of brining and slipping in the topic of marriage into their conversation. 

She said turning her face around to face Levi’s handsome looking face and she said in a cheerful tone, “Welll, I was thinking about the future lately.” Levi then frowned, indicating with his expression that he was confused as to what his girlfriend meant by future.

“What do you mean love?” Levi was direct and straight-forward, he wanted to know what his lover meant by what she said. Was she going to leave him? Did she had other plans for the future? He was starting to overthink.

“Y-You know!” Y/N said all blushed up, and as she was about to get up, he held on her wrist. “Nope, you are not going till you tell me love.” Levi was determined to know, and that lead to Y/N sighing and finally speaking her thoughts. She started to then throw him a marriage hint at him.

“I just, want us to be more serious about our relationship.”

“And, that is?”

“Like...I was thinking, of how great of a family we would make. Along with one day if I will take your last name!” Y/N said all in a cheerful and shy tone, his girlfriend was clearly all happy and her smile doesn’t seem like it would go away on her pretty face. She then was excited to hear his response, about how instantly he would prepare marrying Y/N.

But...Levi picked it up right away what she meant, and stayed quiet. Y/N’s confidence and love towards Levi showed that you were ready for a married life with him, and having his last name, clearly indicated this was the kind of a serious relationship she meant.

Y/N took in with the way how he did not respond and thought of him being worried, “D-Don't worry! I am sure you will be a great Father, I mean you are such a great boyfriend to me and-”

But Levi got up and put both of his hands on her shoulder which made her jolt, this made Y/N have a sinking feeling in her stomach, something felt wrong, the mood and vibe wasn't right and she started to feel anxious. “I, don’t think I can.”

Now, she felt as if her heart skipped a beat, her eyes widen and she gasped and was now speechless. She couldn’t believe it, and now her whole expression, happy vibe and her cheerful mood she was at a while ago, disappeared dramatically.

“I’m not into.....marriage.” Levi finally spoke, not thinking straight of what he just said, and of how sudden this topic was. Levi said this as he did not want to make her feel distressed, in fact himself feeling distressed. But, he had no idea how those words, completely shattered the Y/N he knew that was once cheerful, lovely and happy, gone.

She wanted to be with the man she first loved in her life, ever since she met him, and be his wife. But, she was lost and confused, didn’t Levi want her by his side too?

“Levi, Is that what you really think?....Don't you want me too? I though I meant something to you.” All her spirit was now gone, she looked down and had a very sad expression, her eyes soon to tear up.

Levi again, was speechless, he did not know what to say to her for once. He was caught off guard. That’s cause, he never really talked about this topic with anyone actually, unlike other people who have close friends or families who may have talked about marriage, Levi did not and it was just Y/N in his life he trusted and shared many things to.

So, when this was brought up in the conversation, this caught him really off guard and he just...stayed quiet, not sure what to say.

But to Y/N, that was an answer to her already, and without giving Levi any more time or in fact, not wasting his time, she slightly pushed his arms off her shoulders and walked away from him, going to the bathroom.

Y/N took this as a way he never wants to marry her and that shattered and broke her heart.

After a couple of weeks, both Y/N and Levi’s relationship kept falling apart, and as Levi tried his best to keep the relationship stable. Y/N, could not keep up with it, with her overwhelming mixed feelings of shame and sadness. This lead to Y/N having her feelings hurt.

One day, Levi enters their shared flat after coming back from a grocery store. He decided to cook dinner for his girlfriend tonight and have a romantic dinner with her, he wanted her spirit back, her love back, and after some time thinking, sorting out his emotions, Levi then knew that he would be willing to do anything for her happiness.

But, as he entered the living room, he saw Y/N with a suitcase and her backpack.

“What...” Levi said with a gasp, and his eyes widen, he stood there being shocked. Surely he was misunderstanding the situation...right?

“I am leaving, I can’t do this anymore.”

Levi dropped the bags he was carrying, on the ground, and he felt his heart skipped a beat. Did he hear it right? Did she actually say that?

“No, No. No!” He approached his girlfriend and held on her shoulders.

“Babe, we can fix this. Please stay with me, You don’t need to leave...I-I can’t lose you too.” He started to tremble slightly. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing!

“Stay with me, my love?” Levi then said once again, looking at her face who was now emotionless and she slightly pushed him away and that was the last time he ever saw her again.

Levi and his S/O mutually break things off because Y/N has always wanted to be Levi’s wife, having a lovely wedding and making a great family with him. But Levi didn’t seem to want any of that as he never spoke to her after that time and that caused his girlfriend, well now, ex-girlfriend, to thinking he didn’t want any of that and thinking there was no future after all with him.

Levi did not expect any of this, his ex leaving him after what he told her, and this leaves Levi all heart broken and being emotionally damaged. An emotional rejection from Y/N that damaged his mood and self-esteem. But, he still moved on and continued on with his life. He took most of the blame because he had to let her know sooner that, he would actually do anything for her happiness and love again, but he was apparently too late.

He would still be in their same shared flat, he cleaned it everyday and still kept two plates whenever he had breakfast or dinner, thinking one day he might see her. “She will come back to me...right?” He would mutter sometimes as he sat on the same coach they once shared and cuddled on, alone as the evening was approaching.

After what felt like forever, Levi was on his way to this well-known café that was mentioned by Hanji and he decided to check it out. But, to his surprise, he saw you, sitting inside the café, all alone drinking some tea. His heart fluttered, and his cheeks went red. Is it her?! Is it actually my Y/N?

After such a long time, he finally found her, and as soon as he wanted to approach Y/N, and thinking today is the day he will tell you how much an effect you had in his life and when you weren’t by his side, how he never realized that it took him long to figure it out that he would absolutely do anything to win you, your love and happiness back. He wanted to tell you all that, anything you wanted he was willing to give it to you now that he has finally found you. And explain to you also how, during the time you both lived together, he was actually trying to figure out with that time to make everything work out for you.

But, Levi stopped.

His heart sinking once again, that feeling he felt after such a long time.

He saw a guy, approaching you instead and....you were with him? Y/N’s face then brightened up, and she looked much happier, you smiled even more. Y/N got up from her seat and the man hugged her so tightly while caressing her back, and she was chuckling. And the man himself, seemed to be also deeply in love with you.

He then, noticed their rings, were they perhaps engaged, in their honeymoon, or perhaps they weren’t married and it was just matching rings...right? Levi wondered, begging that what he was thinking was true.

He then saw, his and Y/N’s old friends entering the café, and greeting both of them, one of them was Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie and Historia. He overhear how they were saying that they were such a happy couple and they loved and shipped them a lot. Happy for Y/N finding happiness once again. 

“I am out of time.” Levi muttered, now reality hitting him. He never had time to begin with, he knew ever since she left him. Time was lost and didn’t wait for him.

"What is this feeling?" it felt like as if someone clenched into his chest, his heart is being pulled out of his chest, his stomach having a sinking feeling. Now, he really did lose her.

But wait....maybe he has a chance? he decided to just wait, just maybe it was all a misunderstanding? Having that small hope, that everything was just an assumption, and jumping into conclusions.

After what felt like forever, he waited for them to get out of the café and approached them, to Y/N.

Her eyes widen, she couldn't believe she was seeing Levi after all these years. “Could I speak to Y/N alone, please?” Levi said sadly, and was looking at Y/N instead of the guy. 

The guy seemed to have read the mood and he let Y/N to talk to him in private, to sort out whatever was going on.

“How...have you been?” He finally said, after breaking the silence between them. Y/N nodded and looked back inside the café, “Do you wanna talk and perhaps, catch up?” Y/N uttered, and open the door to the café, she was still the friendly woman he loved and she still looked absolutely even more beautiful to his eyes, he just didn’t want this moment to end.

They then, started to catchup, how things were going for both of them, how they both were and then Levi asked if she was alright. Y/N finally told him that she has been engaged and she would be getting married soon, she let all their friends know about it and to be invited, and she said she would be happy if he would be able to come too, inviting him to her wedding. Levi was now having mixed of emotions, sad but also happy that she was not in a terrible state, and not sad after what has happened. She has picked herself up and lived her life, and finally her dream becoming true and a nice man who loved her, also wanting to marry her too.

They decided to be distant but in good-terms friends, and she was hoping that one day he could meet her fiancée properly. Levi just sat there, smiling. Smiling because he was actually happy to know that there was someone out there to love her, and not treat her bad, and give her what she wanted, which he could have done if he had done it earlier. But of course, it was Y/N, who wouldn’t love her?

He was actually happy for her, seeing her smile, and happy, and she had grown and matured to be such a beautiful woman. “You...will be such a great Mother.” He finally, said with a smile, and that warmed Y/N’s heart. Hearing that, especially from him, made her so happy and glad to hear that since she always wanted to be, but afraid she wouldn’t be. She looked down, at her teacup and tears were running down her cheeks, she was crying happy tears. Y/N never knew how his words would actually be heart warming for her, and he was ready to even support her anytime.

On the day, finally the wedding day, it was filled with love and laughter form everyone, and everyone congratulating them, all their friends crying and cheering for Y/N and the man she was gonna marry.

Levi of course came, and sat at the back, away from the crowd, and he was feeling heart-warmed seeing Y/N being happy once again and her smile and her sight was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, he found it breathtaking, capturing every moment.

“That....could have been us.” He uttered to himself and got up, leaving the wedding as it almost came to an end, he thought his presence wouldn’t really matter to him much now and he left the wedding. 

“Hm, where is Levi? I still haven’t thanked him properly.” Y/N said looking around, and her husband held on her hand and gave her a sweet smile, “Don't worry, I am sure we will see him soon. But he left this for you.” Her husband, handed to her a bag filled with gifts, and a card saying ‘Congratulations, Wishing you a long and happy marriage Y/N.’

After a long day, Levi finally got back home. When Levi goes back to his flat now, no longer calling it ‘our flat’, he still had Y/N’s stuff that she left behind and haven’t thrown them away or moved its position. Y/N really did have a big impact in his life.

He looked through their old memories, gifts she gave him, pictures they took together, letters she wrote for him that was all placed inside a box and he was taking them out one by one. Smiling at them, as how great of a person she was to him.

But, he did really just wanted to grab your hand one last time, say that he always loved you, kiss you one last time, and have you by his side in the flat one last time, looking at your sleepy face and waking up to see your lovely face and sight every morning. He missed it and those days would warm his heart, Y/N did made Levi feel so special before and he was grateful to even be her boyfriend for that period of time. She showed him and gave him love which he thought he would never get, but because of her, he did.

Levi really thought from now, he won’t be able to find that kind of love anymore that he had with Y/N. But, he was very thankful to even have it in the first place. Because to him, Y/N was his everything and he did still care for her. Levi felt convinced though when he met Y/N, it was her and the last relationship he will have and he would be proud to say that she was once his lover and girlfriend.

He stayed still, sitting on the coach and laying down, looking at the ceiling. Levi was smiling, but his eyes then started to tear up slowly. “I promised her that, whenever she is happy....I should be happy too. So why am I like this? Fuck, I am terrible.”

Levi deep down just wanted to know, and he thought to himself saying, ‘Does Y/N even remember our past relationship, Did I have an impact in her life? Did I mean something in her life? Did she forget all our memories and moments together?’

After questioning himself this, he then realized that...when he said to Y/N he was not into marriage. It was a lie. He was actually lowkey scared and in that moment, it was said out of fear. Fear of how he might not be a great father or husband and might fuck things up, and he wanted to be ready and prepared he was the man for you, the one and only for you. He then, whimpered silently to himself in the dark, letting out all of his bottled up emotions.

It’s their bittersweet love, and it’s bittersweet since whenever he thought of the past, it would involve a feeling of happiness and sadness at the same time. But, he finally was at peace now, after seeing you for such a long time, and now knowing you are doing well and great, being taking care of by a great man. He does feel like he has missed out that future Y/N was talking about before, but seeing her cheerful and joyful, he was now content with Y/N and satisfied with her living her dreams, even if it was not with him, he would still support her with all his heart.

okay I did not expect to make this fanfic so sad but a little heart warming at the same time??! I definitely did not tear up while writing this- ANYWAYS! This is my first time to write something like this so please, let me know what you think of this and I hope you somehow liked the bittersweet love between Levi and Y/N!

If you enjoyed and liked this hc fanfic, please let me know by leaving a like, reblog or a message! I love you all and thank you for the support <3

[mrslilyrogers]

Betrayal Part 7

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: (AU) Set in New York. You and Bucky have been married for 5 years. He’s the love of your life and you are his. At least, you thought you were until he started slipping away from you, coming home late and smelling of another woman’s perfume? You are in denial. Are you just losing your mind or are you really losing him?

Author’s notes: I’m so so sorry this took so long! I redid the whole thing. We’re going to back up a bit in this chapter and visit the past. Please check the warnings before reading. Also, my requests are open. Send ideas if you’re feeling particularly angsty! Or even fluff, I’d like to try my hand at it. As always, let me know what you think of this chapter! For tags, please send in ask! 

Warnings: Cheating, Angst, Abuse, Swearing

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4  Part 5 Part 6

2 years ago.

Bucky tapped his fingers on the table as he checked his watch again. 8:15. Forty-five minutes late. Again. He let out a huge sigh, barely able to hold himself from scratching his eyes out. The curly-haired waitress went back to him with an apologetic look on her face, “I’m sorry, sir. My manager told me I really need to take your order now. There’s already a line waiting outside…” she let her sentence trail sheepishly. Bucky tried to ignore the heat creeping up his cheeks and gave her an unconvincing smile instead, reciting his order. When she left with visible relief on her face, he picked up his phone and called his wife again. He had tried to call and text her earlier but she hadn’t picked up.

“Hello?” Y/N answered, sounding frazzled and irritated as she cleaned up after her rude customer. He just had the audacity to leave a mess after complaining and whining about the wifi three times. She could barely keep her eyes from rolling. 

“Hey, babe. Where are you? I’ve been waiting for you at the restaurant,” Bucky’s defeated voice on the other line replied. 

“Oh shit!” She shrieked, attracting the heads of the other customers as she glanced at the clock on the wall. She had lost track of time. Bucky had been waiting for her for almost an hour. On their anniversary. Oh crap, crap, crap. 

“Oh my god, baby. I’m so sorry! I’m understaffed and I lost track of time! Could you please wait for me? I’m so sorry!” She quickly took off her apron and changed into the dress she had brought with her that morning for their date. Bucky had been planning this. He arranged for Lizzie’s babysitter and everything, practically bouncing off with excitement for this night. He wanted to try out this new restaurant and between raising Lizzie and making sure Winter Bakery was still making a profit, they haven’t seen much of each other lately. She just couldn’t find the time whereas Bucky’s stable position in Shield gave him more authority to delegate. And he literally had been trained for this for years. All those late-nighters at the university and all the grunt work he and Steve went through have finally paid up. They were at the top of their game, one of the youngest to acquire their positions. They were heroes in the investment banking world. Life was easy for him now, cherry on top of the cake. He only wished Y/N could be there with him. But she was still on shaky ground with her business and he fully understood that. 

“Of course! I already picked our appetizers though. They were trying their best to kick me out gently if I didn’t order anything,” 

“Oh, my poor Bucky. You should’ve flashed them your smile, charmed your way. They would’ve made you stay,” she replied, fixing her ponytail, not having the time to retouch her makeup anymore. This’ll just have to do. 

“Really, now. It was a waitress, you know.” He teased back. 

A beat before Y/N replied in mock seriousness. “In that case, don’t you dare. I’ll be there in 15!” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. See you, babe. I love you--,” 

But before he could even finish his sentence, the line had dropped on the other end.  

_______________________________________________________________________

1 year ago.

“Daddy, look, apples!” Lizzie pointed from her seat in the grocery cart. Her legs swinging as she giggled at the heap of apples on their side. “Yeah, baby, you’re right.” Bucky replied absentmindedly, not even bothering to look as he stared confusedly at the bunch of green vegetables in front of him. The list Y/N gave him said scallions, but how the hell was he supposed to know which was which? Scallions, spring onions, green onions, they were all the same right? He suddenly regretted volunteering to do their grocery shopping alone, having no clue what half of the list Y/N prepared even meant. It was the weekend, they were all supposed to go together and then have a quick visit to the toy store after, for one more of Lizzie’s birthday gifts. She had just turned 3 a week ago and he couldn’t help but promise to let her pick out another doll. When Y/N had given him a pointed look while Lizzie clung on and gushed to him, he couldn’t help but to just give her a tiny shrug. He grew up with nothing, he was gonna give his little girl everything. But that morning when he thought the three of them finally had time to spend together, Y/N couldn’t make it again. She was having problems with her manager and had to go into work unexpectedly. Now, she wasn’t even answering his calls when he had to ask her about the most complicated grocery list he’s ever seen in his whole life. 

“Daddy, when are we getting my doll?” Lizzie asked again, looking up at him as she clutched her favorite white wolf stuffed toy. 

“After this, sweetheart.” He answered, preoccupied and calling Y/N again. This time when she didn’t answer, he gave up, grabbed the one nearest to him and hoped for the best. 

When he’s gotten halfway through the list and let Lizzie point at the snacks she wanted for school, he let his mind wander, when the hell had they become like this? He barely saw his wife anymore. Her problems with her bakery cafe, always dragging her away from them. He wished she could find competent people who would stay but if it weren’t her manager, it was her baker and so on. And if she was finally free, he’d be the one who was busy. It was hard and annoying but coupled that with taking care of an over-enthusiastic three-year-old, it was also exhausting.

He missed Y/N and he wished he could spend time with her. He completely understood that she was always needed at work. He had been through that in their early 20s, but they didn’t have a kid then to compete for their time and understanding it was different from actually living it. Their marriage had become stagnant. The banality of their everyday life, a stark contrast to how they used to be when they were just a couple of kids off college who rented a too-small apartment with his little sister, Becca. Time has flown and he’s finally achieved the life he’s always wanted; a big duplex apartment, a steady high-income job and a family he had always yearned for but never really knew he needed. All of the things he promised himself when he was younger and had nothing, he had now and more, yet there was still something missing. He missed the thrill of his life, chasing his dreams had always kept him motivated, distracted. Now that he had it all, he was at his wits’ end. Maybe it was because they were also growing apart, he could feel it. Y/N had always been able to make him happy and whole; he had always been able to rely on her emotionally. She was the better part of him and now that she was becoming distant, he hung onto her like a lifeline but his insistence on going on vacations as a family wherever his wife and daughter wanted went unheard, all his attempts at romancing cancelled. 

Even as he lined up now for the cashier, he whipped out his phone to text her. His hands had been busy typing when a brooding, dark-haired man stood behind him dressed in all black. His arms were muscled despite his age and the sagging skin on his right arm holding a tattoo of an odd skull with tentacles extending out of it was barely covered by his shirtsleeve. 

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Bucky,” a familiar husky voice mocked from behind him. 

Bucky immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, the voice sending a deep chill down his spine, making him go rigid as he slowly turned around, the blood draining from him when he went face to face with the man who had made his life a living hell, the man who not only broken him physically but in spirit as well. Repeatedly. 

“You some errand boy now? I didn’t raise you to be like that, you know,” He continued to mock, tipping his chin to the cart with Lizzie still on it. 

“Do you know him, daddy?” She asked, holding her little wolf tighter as she watched the stranger warily. 

“Hey there, sweetie. Your daddy didn’t tell you about me? That’s weird. I raised him and your aunt Rebecca a long time ago. My name is Rumlow,” he flashed her a chilling smile, stepping closer to offer his hand. That’s when the fog in Bucky’s brain cleared. He moved with a lightning fast reflex, stepping in between them as he got in Rumlow’s face, fisting his collar harshly in one hand, 

“Don’t you dare go near her,” his dark and low voice had threatened, dripping venom. His eyes had dilated, almost turning black as he shoved him hard. Rumlow’s grating laugh echoed around them, bringing back all those awful memories he had buried deep inside his head. 

“I’ve taught you well, boy. Can’t say I’m not proud,” He clapped and actually smiled at him smugly. At this point, Lizzie had started crying making Bucky even more furious. 

“I don’t ever want to see your face again. And if you go near my daughter again, I’ll make you fucking regret it. Do you understand?” His threats went on deaf ears as Rumlow broke out into a full-fledged grin. 

“I’d love to see you try, James. You’ve grown soft,” He accused, eyeing Lizzie and the grocery he had still lined up, several heads already looking at them. 

“Lucky for you. I have a new son here,” He continued, tilting his head to the boy standing by his mostly empty cart-- save for the beer and the liquor. Bucky flicked his attention to the boy and he felt his world spin as he saw himself in him with his eyes haunted, wary and afraid. He couldn’t have been older than eight. Rumlow smirked at the look on Bucky’s face, already detecting the turmoil brewing inside him. He had succeeded. He always knew Bucky was weak, his emotions his downfall. The fear and guilt clearly written in Bucky’s eyes made Rumlow gloat as he talked to the boy, 

“What did I say, Bert, huh? You’ll only have food if you go get it yourself. Why are you still standing there?” 

The boy looked around the big grocery store, mentally taking note of the stalls and where they were currently at, memorizing it in case he got lost but still, he didn’t move. Bucky looked at Rumlow and he saw the same look he’d always had directed at him before, his taunting eyes daring the boy to go or face the consequences. 

“But I’m scared,” the boy replied, his voice small and frightened. Rumlow moved to him, bending his knees to get to his eye level. “Well then, you just won’t have to eat,” he told him in a hushed voice, pouting and mocking. 

Bucky didn’t have to hear it to know the exact words, buried memories rushing back to the surface. He heard it countless times directed at him. The boy ran to the nearest stall, his heart pounding and hoping Rumlow would still be at that same spot when he came running back. Bucky knew the feeling, it was like he was living it all over again. As much as he wanted to help, he was rooted to the spot, even Lizzie’s crying couldn’t move him. Rumlow stood back up and faced him. “You were always my favorite,” he told him proudly as he pushed his own cart away from them, no doubt to give Bert an even harder chance of finding him. 

Just before he got too far, he swiftly turned around, feigning innocence as he said, “Oh and by the way, say hi to Rebecca for me,”  His lips twisted up into a sneering smirk as he left, whistling without a care in the world. And just like that Bucky was moving, grabbing Lizzie and getting out of that store as fast as he could, hoping Rumlow would stay out of his life forever. 

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“I’m never letting you do the groceries again!” Y/N screeched, a horrified look on her face as she stared at their fridge. After the incident with Rumlow, Bucky had brought Lizzie to the toy store, allowing her to buy all the stuffed toys and dolls she wanted instead of just the previously promised one doll. They had gone to lunch after, he kept Lizzie distracted as much as possible to forget the man she had just met. When she brought him up again, he told her it was just a friend he didn’t like very much and that she shouldn’t bring it up to her mom because it was nothing, he promised he never had to see that man again. Lizzie seemed satisfied with his answer and went back to her usual chirpy self. On their way home, they passed by another grocery store. He had mindlessly strolled the aisles and grabbed whatever he thought they needed, his head at a different place, much as it still is now.

“Bucky, we don’t need four cartons of milk, why would you even get this?” Y/N asked incredulously, shaking her head as she chuckled. 

Bucky had been staring off into space, not hearing what his wife had been saying. “Uhm, hello Bucky, you still with me?” she teased, waving a hand in front of his face. 

“Oh sorry, what was that?” He asked, glancing up at her from his perch by the kitchen counter. The coffee he had brewed, now cold in his hands. 

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, looking at him with concern in her eyes. 

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well,” he waved dismissively. Y/N felt a pang of guilt. He’d been bugging her to spend more time together, planning outings and dates that she never seemed to find time for. 

“Well, I finally have the day free. Why don’t we go out, watch a movie or have a picnic? It’ll be fun,” she suggested, draping a hand over his shoulder while her chin rested on the other, her elbow propped up on the countertop to keep an eye level with him. 

“I can’t, I’m sorry, babe. I promised to meet up with Thor,” he moved away from her touch, standing up. Y/N looked at him confusedly, “Okay, how about after?”

“Gotta go over some accounts with Sam, sorry love. I’ll be back before dinner,” He gave her a quick kiss to the cheek before heading out. Y/N stared after him, brows knitted, before shrugging. She’ll just get her errands around the house done then. 

After pounding the punching bag in Thor’s gym incessantly, Bucky found himself aimlessly walking around the streets, he just needed to clear his head. The little boy’s face was still etched in his mind as he opened the door to a bar. A little too early, he knew but he couldn’t shake off the nagging thought plaguing his mind. 

How could he have let that monster roam free while he had lived his life without even a glance back? 

_______________________________________________________________________

Years ago.

Bucky held Becca’s hand as they ascended the rickety steps of their new home. They had just lost their parents and were now moving into an unfamiliar house. The case worker had told them they were lucky not to be separated and that they shouldn’t worry; they were getting a good foster father who would take care of them from now on. 

“I had interviewed him myself, you see,” She told the children, beaming with pride. 

“I couldn’t have found a better one for you guys, why, this area is still very close to where you grew up in. You could still visit your old haunts,” She ruffled Becca’s hair, trying to lighten the mood while the little girl just moved farther away, hiding behind her big brother. The worn-out door which at once might have been painted pristine white but now had chippings hanging off of it suddenly opened with a creak, a man with a charming and easy nature stepped out with a warm smile on his face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“You guys are here! Welcome, welcome, please come in!” He gestured humbly to his house. Becca squeezed Bucky’s hand tighter which he squeezed back in return, reassuring her. There was something about this man that wasn’t quite right. He seemed relaxed and easy-going, a smile continuously plastered on his face but there was a lethality to him that the children couldn’t seem to shake off, almost as if it was buried deep inside waiting to be unleashed. The case worker hung on his every word, giggling as they talked. She slapped his arm with the horrible looking tattoo that gave Becca a fright. The children barely moved from the sofa they were seated at after the introductions. 

“It’s usually like this. Don’t worry. They start to open up after a while,” the case worker sympathized with Brock, the man who introduced himself as their new foster father; he would treat them as his own, he had promised. 

“It’s alright. I understand. After my wife, I’ve been all alone and this, this is a blessing to me,” He told her as he turned to the children. Her hand strayed to his arm again and lingered there. 

“Oh, Brock, you are a good man. They’re great children, they won’t give you trouble.” She replied, patting his arm for reassurance. It didn’t miss Bucky how she hung off his every word. 

“But I should get going, I will check up on you in a week. Children, be good. You have my number if you need anything,” She stood up, smoothing the wrinkles on her blazer.

“Wait, you’re leaving us already?” Bucky couldn’t help the whine that escaped his voice. He didn’t miss the darkness that spilled over Brock’s face for a split second before he carefully put his smile back on again. 

“I’ll be back in a week, Bucky. Don’t you worry,” the case worker smiled before she walked out the door leaving him and Becca to a stranger. 

When she was out of sight, Brock had suddenly changed his demeanor. The smile on his face had turned into a scowl when he faced them. “Alright, listen up both of you,”  he boomed, his voice cruel. “Grab your things and get on to your rooms. I don’t want to hear any noise. No running around, and if I see you making a mess. You bet your little asses, you’ll pay for it,” He stood up and left them to their bags. 

“But Mr. Brock, I’m thirsty,” Becca piped up, looking up at him timidly. The man’s grating laugh rumbled as he threw his head back, shaking it.  

“That’s Rumlow to both of you, you hear me?  Don’t make that mistake again. Now, come here,” He said, beckoning both the children to come over. Once they reached the kitchen, he pointed to the high cupboard. “You see that?” He asked Becca, dropping low to get to her eye level. When she just nodded her head, he continued, “That’s where the glasses and the plates are. If you want something in this house, you go get it yourself. I’m not your nanny,” He held Becca’s face in his hand roughly. His fingers wrapped around her cheeks tight as he held her by the chin. Bucky felt his fists clench at his sides, pushing Rumlow as far as he could with his eleven year old might.  

“Stop that!” He screamed. Their parents never hurt them. How dare this man think he could do this to his little sister? 

“Oh you wanna be the man of the house?” Rumlow jeered, shoving Bucky back making him fall to the floor. Becca’s sniffles grew louder as she tried to stop her crying, her shoulders shaking from her effort. As Bucky lay sprawled, Rumlow scooted down menacingly to him, 

“You dare push me when you were just whining like a little bitch a while ago, you wanna man up? Alright, I’ll allow it,” he taunted, pondering it for a moment before his sinister smile came back on. “Let’s see how long you’ll last protecting your little sister.” He gripped his face by the chin, fingers squeezing exceedingly tight on his cheeks before he pushed him off and he hit the floor. 

“I won’t be some parent to you that you could twist around your little fingers, no. I’ll make you into the best man you could be. I will teach you about order. And order only comes through pain,” He drilled into him like a soldier as he stretched his legs back up, his measured steps going to the fridge to fish out a beer. He took a long gulp before he continued, 

“And the sooner you learned that, the better,” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky sat alone at one of the benches by the field at his school, choosing solitude over the roar of the cafeteria after a particularly bad morning at home. Their foster father had woken up drunk and had haphazardly thrown things at them when Bucky accidentally burnt the eggs he had been cooking for his and Becca’s packed lunch for school. He picked on the peanut butter sandwich he prepared, not having the appetite to eat when he heard jeering voices from a group of boys and sounds of flesh being hit again and again with accompanying grunts of pain. He felt his feet move on instinct when he found them by the bleachers, a scrawny boy at the center of a group huddling over him, they were laughing as he tried to fight them off, not once being able to land a punch. The blood pumped in Bucky’s veins, a constant beating in his ears, as he grabbed the biggest of the bullies by the collar and harshly yanked him off the tiny, blonde boy now sprawled on the floor with his skinny arms covering his face. When one of the other kids tried to punch him, he deftly moved out of the way and delivered a swift blow to his stomach, making sure to spare his face so as not to get in trouble. That was how Rumlow did it, might as well use the same trick right? 

“What? Who wants to go next?” He threatened, loving the adrenaline coursing through his veins, the power he had with defending someone so helpless. The lanky blonde boy stood up beside him, blood dripping from his mouth as he held both his fists up, “I can do this all day,” he said, catching his breath but his stance clearly indicated he could barely stand up straight. Bucky just looked at him weirdly, not knowing whether to find him stupid or brave. The bullies stood against them, unsure. Bucky was the same age as them, only slightly bigger. Him and the blonde boy were still clearly outnumbered but Bucky’s eyes held a lethal strength in them, his body coiled with unleashed brutality, ready to fight. The bullies scrambled out of there as fast as they could, their feet tripping over them. 

“Yeah next time, pick on someone your own size!” he hollered before looking back at the blonde boy who looked younger than them but held himself with such maturity that it didn’t seem possible. He decided right then and there he was going to make him his new friend. Rumlow had always taught him about his belief of the natural order of the world, that strength and might always won the day and that order could only be achieved through pain. If you could inflict it on others, you were stronger, better. Weaker men were useless, had to be beaten up and put in their place. “That’s just the way of the world,” he had said. But Bucky was old and smart enough to see right through his facade. He was a bully, feeding off of people who couldn’t fight back. Bucky was going to be different, he wouldn’t bow down to his will. He just needed to protect his sister, spare her from the taint of Rumlow’s anger and prove that he wouldn't become the man Rumlow has been conditioning him to be. 

“You alright?” Bucky asked the boy standing beside him who was touching the bruise forming on his forehead.

“Yeah, thanks for helping me,” he replied sheepishly, ashamed he couldn’t fight for himself.

“Next time, just don’t provoke them, they aren’t worth it.” 

“But they were wrong. Bullies, I’d always stand up to them,” the blonde brushed his hair back from his forehead, determination steeling his voice. Bucky smiled, maybe he could learn a thing or two from this boy too. 

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Steve, what’s yours?”

“Bucky. Steve, you’re a little punk. You know that?” he said teasingly, laughing. 

Steve grinned back, “Jerk,” 

_______________________________________________________________________

Present

The light filtered into the room as the curtains were drawn back harshly causing Bucky to groan on his bed, flitting a pillow to cover his eyes. 

“Buck, come on. Get up,” Steve’s firm voice spoke through the fog in his mind. 

“Get out, Steve, I’m sleeping.” he replied, turning his back to the hand shaking his shoulder.

“How long are you going to do this? It’s been two weeks. Have you even talked to your family yet?” Steve’s judgmental voice rang out, hard and unforgiving. 

“She doesn’t even wanna see me,” he huffed, anger at himself boiling in his veins. He hasn’t seen his daughter in two weeks. Y/N’s short, cold replies to his messages were just updates on how Lizzie was doing, anything regarding Y/N, he had no idea about. He didn’t even know what sort of excuses she made up for Lizzie, how his “work trip” kept getting extended. When the hell could they keep that charade up? He was lucky enough she was letting him talk to his daughter on the phone for a few minutes every once in a while. He sat up on the bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he reached for the bottle of whiskey at the bedside table. These days he could only fall asleep when he’s had one too many to drink and even then, he’d still wake up with a headache that could only be dulled by alcohol. He barely even made it to work everyday. Sam had been good enough to cover for him, staying on neutral ground with everything that’s happening to his marriage although his eyes said otherwise, disappointment etched in them. All the while Steve had ignored him the entire time since the hospital. No amount of apologies moved him from his stance except today, when he suddenly barged into the hotel room Bucky has been renting like he owned the place. 

“Jesus, Bucky, stop that!” He swiped the bottle Bucky held between his lips, splashing amber liquid on his shirt and bed. 

“Damn it, Steve! Look what you did!  Give that back,” Bucky held his arm out, his reflexes slow as he tried to grab it from his friend. 

“Jesus Christ. You smell terrible. How much have you had to drink last night?” Steve fanned the air around him trying to rid the stench of alcohol and sweat.

“How the hell did you even get in here?” Bucky’s pissed off voice grumbled but one look at Steve’s intense stare with his brows furrowed and his jaw clenched, standing straight as a drill sergeant, arms crossed at his chest with his muscles bulging out of his fitted gray Under Armour shirt; he knew. The punk had intimidated his way in. No doubt leaving a poor breathless, flustered receptionist in his wake. 

“You could get that receptionist fired, you know?” He tried appealing to his best friend’s better nature.

“You wouldn’t tell. Plus, it isn’t as if she didn’t get a hefty tip. Go take a shower, Buck, you stink.” Steve didn’t budge, staring him down with a disgusted look on his face. Bucky just scoffed, 

“And then what? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Y/N kicked me out, man. Just go home, you’re wasting your time.” 

Steve’s hardened face softened as he looked at his friend. His eyes were puffy, his skin pale as he scratched his wildly unkempt beard, his greasy hair sticking out on one side. What the hell had happened to Bucky? How had it gone so bad for his friend in a matter of days? He suddenly moved out of instinct, collecting clothes strewn everywhere and packed them into the suitcase at the corner of the room. 

“Steve, what the hell are you doing?” Bucky exhaled loudly. It was too early for this. Where the hell was his drink? 

“Get your ass moving, Bucky. You’re staying at my place,”

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Acting Your Age: Three Months

Summary: Three months after the birth of their first child, the reader is having a hard time with all of the new and old stresses that come with it...

Pairing: Jensen x reader

Masterlist

Word Count: 5,200ish

Warnings: language, slight flangst, age gap, implied smut

________

“Well aren’t you adorable,” said Jensen to Reese, fast asleep in her car seat in the back of your car. “Yes you are. I missed-”

“Do not wake her up or I swear on my life you are never getting sex again,” you said, yanking the grocery bags out of the trunk. He stood up and frowned.

“I know my flight was late but-”

“But what?” you said, shutting the trunk, Reese waking up and starting to cry. You scrunched up your face and went inside with the bags, Jensen carrying Reese in her seat inside, unbuckling her after a moment as you started to put things away in the kitchen.

“Shh,” he cooed her, narrowing his eyes at you. “Mommy didn’t mean to be loud.”

You finished quickly and washed your hands before you went to your bedroom and shut the door. Jensen entered after a moment, Reese calmed down and asleep on his shoulder.

“What is going on with you?” he asked. “Are you sleep-deprived or something? We talked about this before the baby. We gotta talk and take turns when one of us is too tired.”

“Leave me alone. There’s milk in the fridge if she needs it,” you said. You quickly left the room and went outside, going to the patio by the pool and sitting up on the stone wall. You tucked your head between your knees and let out a shaky breath. It wasn’t long before you were crying hard, gripping your legs tight.

You weren’t sure how long it was before you felt Jensen sit behind you and wrap you up in his arms.

“Kiddo. Talk to me,” he said. “This is not normal for you.”

“You can’t leave Reese up there-”

“Gen came and took her for the afternoon,” he said. “Now what’s wrong?”

“I can’t even take care of my own daughter,” you cried. “I’m some stupid money hungry-”

“Whoa, whoa. Were you looking at internet comments again?” he asked.

“Some woman came up to me in the grocery store and she said some stuff,” you said.

“Did you tell her off?” he asked. “Please tell me you told her off.”

“No because she was right. I’m a horrible mother and…” you hiccuped. “You don’t love me and that’s okay. I know the baby-”

“You are incredible and wonderful and an amazing mother and wife and best friend. I’ve never loved anyone as much aside from Reese,” he said. You lifted your head up and let him spin you around, his palms wiping off your cheeks. “I want us to go talk to someone.”

“Jensen-”

“You’ve been a little off since Reese was born and it’s getting worse, not better. Can we please go talk to someone? Maybe it’s hormones or postpartum or maybe it’s something else. I miss my best friend and I’ve done a shitty job of taking care of her lately. Please, let me help you,” he said. “Don’t make me beg, kiddo.”

“Alright. I’ll go,” you said quietly. You rested your head against his chest and he ran his hand up and down your back. “Will you come?”

“Of course, honey. We’ll see if we can get you in somewhere this week to figure out how to get you feeling better again.”

“As far as the baby goes, that’s it?” asked Dr. Ash the next day. You nodded, his head doing the same for a moment. “Please feel free to consult a medical doctor as well but I don’t believe you have postpartum depression.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” you asked.

“Yes,” he said. Jensen slid his hand across the couch and held your hand. “I don’t think you have any kind of depression actually.”

“Is it seasonal? I know I can get seasonal sometimes in the winter,” said Jensen. You turned your head and stared at him.

“I didn’t know that,” you said.

“Well the first year we were together I didn’t get it, I don’t always, and last year with the baby coming soon, I didn’t even have time to think about it,” he said. “It’s definitely not a constant or a sure thing even. I wasn’t hiding it from you.”

“So what’s wrong with me,” you said quietly, looking back at Ash.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. My professional opinion is that you’re under stress as a new mother and any kind of thick skin you’d developed before to bullying isn’t there right now. You’re in a vulnerable state which is completely normal. Your personal situation however isn’t,” he said.

“I’m not following,” said Jensen. “I don’t bully my wife.”

“I didn’t say you did. However, these internet comments can be harmful if you give them that ability. The incident at the grocery store likely just worsened those feelings,” he said.

“The comments never bothered me before,” you said. Jensen squeezed your hand and he gave you a half-smile.

“They did at the beginning. I know it did. Maybe Ash has a point. Being a new mom is stressful. I know how stressful being a dad is for the first time. Add that to all the other crap we go through? The constant jabs for the age difference. The comments about you, about me, our careers, this, that, the other thing. Maybe it’s too much right now is all,” he said.

“So I’m weaker than I used to be,” you said, closing your eyes.

“I don’t think anyone is saying that,” said Ash. “Bullying mixed with the stress of being a new parent along with a physical confrontation...I think you’re going through a rough time right now is all.”

“How do I fix it?” you asked.

“Avoid social media,” he said and you rolled your eyes. “I’m serious.”

“I’m self-employed. I run my own design firm. I need to use social media,” you said.

“Fine but no looking at comments, either one of you. I also want you to get out of the habit of accepting this bullying behavior as normal. It’s not. These people are strangers. Don’t give them that power. Ignore it and stand up for yourself if it becomes necessary. You don’t deserve it. Do not listen to strangers either about your parenting choices. Your family will help you. Understand?”

“I understand,” you said, taking a deep breath before you looked at Jensen. “I know you love me. I’m sorry about yesterday.”

“I do love you, kiddo and don’t apologize. It was a bad day. We’ve survived them before,” he said. “Now that we have a better idea of what’s going on, let’s see if it helps, honey.”

“Reese,” you said the next afternoon, watching her giggle as she knocked her empty formula bottle on the floor, Jensen bending over and picking it up. “Are you misbehaving young lady?”

“She’s an Ackles. Of course she’s misbehaving,” he teased, picking her up out of her high chair and patting her back, a quiet burp leaving her. “Oh, hey. I talked to mom about the party this weekend. I told her we were thinking of skipping. We’re all pretty wiped.”

“Are you sure? It’s your family reunion. You guys only do it every five years,” you said as you cleaned up after dinner.

“I don’t need to see the whole gigantic ass family. We’ll see my actually family this year in a few weeks for Christmas. I can’t believe we agreed to host,” he chuckled.

“Well it did make it easier with my family being closer to home so they can come up too. Also, we can totally go to the reunion. It’s one Saturday and you’re done filming for the year and my last project wrapped up. We got the time,” you said. “Besides you know everyone wants to meet Reese.”

“I don’t want to share her with anybody but you,” he said, his voice high as he looked at Reese, a giggle escaping her again. “You just want mommy and daddy, huh?”

A little howl alerted you to Dean at his feet, wagging his tail.

“We couldn’t forget Dean,” said Jensen, Dean staring up at Reese. “I got guard duty, little guy. Why don’t you relax?”

He proceeded to follow Jensen around as he burped Reese, Jensen chuckling as he finally set her down in her basinet. Dean settled next to her on the floor and Jensen patted his head.

“Alright, alright. We can share, baby,” he said, Dean laying down and snoring quickly.

“They’re cute,” you said, a soft smile on your face as Jensen slid around behind you in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“I love you,” he murmured against your skin.

“I love you,” you said. You turned your head back and he gave you a kiss. 

“Come to bed,” he said. You hummed and started to head over to the bassinet but he curled you back into his chest. “Not sleep. Bed.”

“Sex?” you blushed, Jensen smirking when he caught it. “We haven’t...since Reese was born…”

“I want to see my smoking hot wife in all her naked glory,” he said. You stared at him and burst out laughing, Jensen pouting and grabbing your hips gently. “Oh, you think I’m joking?”

“I think you’re a master of seduction,” you teased, laughing a little. “If you need to get off, I’m happy to oblige but we don’t need to have sex to do that.”

“Oh, we definitely need to have sex. See, I need to tell you how beautiful you are, make you see how gorgeous you are,” he said, brushing his lips over your ear, a shiver running up your spine. “Remember when we had sex on your brother’s couch? How much fun that was? We were both nervous then but we did it.”

“You want to have sex on our couch?” you chuckled.

“I want to see that cocky, flirty girl that put me in my place because she was nervous. The girl I thought was so pretty, the girl who looked at me like I was something to be devoured. Honey, I want to devour you. God, I want to devour you so bad. You are perfect,” he said.

“...So no sex on the couch?” you asked, smirking at him.

“Are you toying with me, Y/N?” he asked, his eyes already a few shades darker.

“Why ever would I do that,” you teased, walking past him and smacking his ass. “You’re so on bottom.”

“I got it,” said Jensen on Saturday morning as he pulled on the diaper bag backpack and grabbed your other one from the trunk. You carried Reese on your hip up to Jensen’s parents house, walking inside and immediately finding his dad standing there.

“There she is!” he said, taking Reese out of your hands. “You’re so cute!”

“Well isn’t that adorable,” teased Jensen.

“You’re grounded.”

“I’m an adult! Who no longer lives here,” said Jensen. “I made the literal baby you are holding.”

“To be fair you could have done that once you hit puberty,” he said. Jensen stared at him and you bit back your smile. “Got her.”

“You two together are horrible,” he said, shaking his head as he headed for the kitchen.

“She sleeping through the night?” asked his dad.

“Mostly,” you said, rubbing your eyes. “Sometimes. When she feels like it.”

“Go rest, kiddo,” he said, running his hand over the top of your head. “You look tired.”

“She’s due to be fed and-”

“And I raised three of my own and have other grandchildren. Go on. Take Jensen with you. Have a nap, that’s an order,” he said as he gave you a side hug.

“Thanks, Alan,” you said, returning it with a smile. You moved to head upstairs when he caught your hand.

“You okay?” he asked. You stared at him and saw Jensen return sans the baby bags, looking between you. 

“You tell your dad?” you asked.

“I was worried. I thought it was baby stuff I didn’t understand at first,” he said. 

“It’s okay,” you said. “I’m a little stressed right now and should avoid the internet’s comments about what kind of mother I am is all.”

“Well the first kid is the hardest,” he said, wrapping his arms around Reese. “I know you two keep those kinds of other things away from us but I know not everyone’s been as kind to Y/N as they should be. Try to ignore them, sweetie. You two are miles ahead of where we were at your age,” he said.

“My age or hers?” asked Jensen.

“It’s an expression, Jay. Call us up more often. We’ll come down to help out,” he said. “You especially when Jensen’s out of town.”

“We know. We’ll ask for help more,” you said, grabbing Jensen’s hand. “Let’s take a quick nap, babe.”

He followed you upstairs to his old room, the two of you plopping down on the bed with a sigh.

“God, this feels good,” he moaned.

“Sleep is the new sexy,” you teased, Jensen peeling open his eyes. “Wasn’t that some kind of promo thing when Supernatural first came out?”

“Scary is the new sexy,” he chuckled. “Oh, how young and naive I was.”

“You were my age!” you said.

“Well, girls mature faster,” he teased, curling his arm over your waist. “Enjoy being young and naive before you turn into this.”

“Before I age like the finest freaking wine there ever was?” you said, dancing a finger over his chest. “You think I’m naive?”

“No, kiddo. I was teasing. I mean maybe...maybe you still see the best in people and have hope for people even when odds are they’ll end up letting you down. Life hasn’t taken that from you yet. I don’t call that naive. Some people might but I don’t. I just call it good.”

“I’m pretty sure what you described is naive, Jens,” you said, tracing your finger over his pecs and drawing shapes. He took your hand and pressed it over his heart.

“If you’re naive then I’m a love struck teenage boy who is head over heels in love with the gorgeous woman laying in his childhood bed with him,” he said.

“None of that sentence made sense,” you said.

“I’m saying, be who you are, who you want to be. I remember the sad girl by the pool and I’m sure you remember the sad boy. What’d I tell you that night?”

“I should be myself,” you said quietly. You gripped his shirt tight and scooted closer. “I know you weren’t exactly happy back then either. I know you pretended a lot to the outside world but Jared and Gen knew how you really felt.”

“You get to be a certain age and you feel like you screwed up, that you ran out of time. Then some dork walks into your life and shows you how wrong you are,” he said, kissing your nose.

“Jensen. I know you focus on me a lot and I appreciate that, I do. But-“

“You do that for me too, kiddo,” he said.

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“I don’t little spoon for just anyone,” he teased, bumping his nose against yours. “I know I’m still shut off sometimes. I think it’s just how I’m built. But after Reese, something changed and I don’t feel like doing that anymore. I love my girls and I hope they know it.”

“We know it,” you said, scooting closer. “We love you too.”

You pressed your lips against his, sliding your hand to the back of his head, rubbing your fingers through his short strands.

“You are so unbelievably attractive,” you said, his hand sliding to your hip and pushing your sweatshirt up some.

“I never made it past first base in high school,” he said.

“Me either,” you said. “You were out in LA when you finally did it right?”

“Mhm. You had that lovely boyfriend that cheated with your roommate, right?” he said.

“God, he was such a douche. Both of them were,” you said. “No talking about shitty exes.”

“What do you want to talk about?” he asked, kissing your jawline.

“What would teenage you do if he had me in this position right here, right now?” you asked.

“Oh, I definitely wouldn’t have had the guts to do what I’m about to do,” he chuckled. “Especially when my parents are home.”

“Think you’re getting past first base?” you asked as you sat up. He went with you, glancing past you to the door. He put on a cocky smile and stood, going to it and cracking it open a little. He walked back over and lay over you, nipping at your neck. “Jensen. Oh my God. Your parents are gonna hear us!”

“My parents are downstairs and we have the next twenty minutes completely to ourselves,” he said. “Come on. I dare you.”

“Yup. Definitely still randier than a teenage boy,” you giggled as he brushed his lips over yours. 

“Shh. We are so not gonna wanna get caught doing this.”

“Hey mom, you need help with anything?” asked Jensen when you both went back downstairs half an hour later.

“No. Your brother came over early to help out,” she said, Josh and his dad cutting in through the back door. 

“Hello, Jensen,” he smirked as he walked past and towards the kitchen. 

“Oh don’t be smug,” said their dad. You tilted your head while Jensen swallowed. “The table?”

“Yes. The table,” said Jensen, leaning over to you. “I have zero idea what’s going on.”

“Yeah, Jensen. The table. I can believe you put it back in the garage so poorly after Easter,” said Josh. “It took us forever to get out.”

“Right,” said Jensen, his dad going over to Reese again to play with her. Josh smiled as he wandered over, getting in close.

“If you two are going to do the horizontal tango, shut the door. I saved your asses. Twice,” mumbled Josh.

“We even for the hockey stick incident now?” asked Jensen.

“Nah. You can still hold that one over me,” he smirked. “Been there before is all.”

“You?” mumbled Jensen and he nodded. “No way. You’re more goodie two shoes than I am.”

“What’s the big secret?” asked his dad as walked over and he handed Reese over to you. 

“Nothing,” you all said at once, glancing at one another.

“Mhm. You two fighting again?” he asked, looking at you and Josh.

“Dad,” said Josh, frowning at him. “No. Y/N and I worked that out a long time ago.”

“Alright, alright. Just a concerned father but you know, whatever,” he said. “Now you two boys help me finish setting up the backyard before the rest of the nutjobs get here.”

“You know, having a baby is a great way to get away from these crazies,” said Jensen a few hours later. You slapped his arm as you carried Reese up to his old room. You set her down in her pack and play Jensen had brought in, Jensen running a hand over her head. “The monitor on?” 

“Mhm,” you said, handing him the other device. “You want me to get it?”

“Nah. You were up with her last night,” he said. You pulled the door shut some after yourselves, Jensen throwing his arm over your shoulders as you headed back to the party. “Let’s make another one.”

“Two? I thought you only wanted the one,” you said.

“Yeah but you wanted three and I’d like Reese to have a little sibling she could look out for and making babies with you is so much fun,” he said, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. “It is so much fun.”

“Let’s revisit this when she’s a year old. How’s that sound?” you asked.

“Good to me,” he said. He grabbed a pair of beers from your cooler and soon you were out in the backyard again being introduced to people Jensen couldn’t even remember sometimes.

“Jens, Kenzie,” said Jensen’s mom when you were talking to some of her cousins. Jensen and his sister spun around. “Can you help in the kitchen a minute?”

You turned to go with them but she waved you off.

“I only need two pairs of hands,” she said as she headed back inside.

“So do you act with Jensen?” asked the guy you’d been standing with, Bob. At least you thought his name was Bob.

“No, no. I’m an interior designer. I wouldn’t be caught dead in front of a camera,” you said. “I do a few things with the brewery and bed & breakfast too. But definitely no acting.”

“How’d you guys meet?” he asked.

“My brother was Jensen’s costar on their show. We met at a family party after the show was over and all that. We became friends and hit it off,” you said.

“But you knew about him,” he said. “I mean, that he existed.”

“I guess. I wasn’t close with my family back then. I’m the young one. I’ve never even seen the show,” you said. “I just knew he worked with my brother and was one of his best friends.”

“I’m guessing there was no pre-nup,” he said.

“No, there wasn’t, not that it’s anyone’s business,” you said. He looked you up and down while you narrowed your eyes. You almost said more when another one of the cousins came over.

“Hey, it’s the preschooler,” he chuckled.

“Excuse me?” you said.

“Wow. Everyone knows what you’re up to kid. No need to get defensive,” said Vince.

“What exactly am I up to?” you said, lifting your chin.

“Sleeping with him for that gravy train,” he said. “The kid was a good move. That’ll keep him for years at-“

You nearly slapped him when Josh was suddenly at your side and grabbing your arm.

“Inside,” he said. You looked up at him and saw his face change. He dropped your hand and spun around. “Leave. Now.”

“Leave? We just got here,” said Bob.

“Yeah and that’s my little sister you’re talking about. You know what you’re saying about Jensen too when you say those things?” he said. “Do you?”

“You mean the little celebrity?” laughed Vince. “You’ve seen your brother. Seriously. He started out doing the same thing.”

“Josh,” you said, grabbing his arm when his face went red. You almost had him walked away when you heard one more comment that made your skin crawl. You spun around, coming face to face with your father in law, the backyard silent.

“You two in the house now,” he said, a strange calmness to him.

You swallowed. You’d never heard him like that before and quickly went inside with Josh, avoiding the looks you’d gotten and slipping into the kitchen.

“What is going on?” asked Jensen when he saw you. You closed your eyes and Josh sighed.

“Some of mom’s cousins-“ started Josh but you shook your head. You didn’t want Jensen ever hearing what they said. “They said some not so nice stuff about you and Y/N.”

“What kind of stuff,” he said, looking at you. “Y/N.”

“It doesn’t matter,” you said, Jensen looking past you out at the backyard. “Josh stood up for me and your dad’s telling them off. Don’t-”

“The internet and strangers are one thing but people fucking related to us?” he said, his mom tsking him. “No mom. This is fucking serious.���

“Calm down all of you,” said his dad as he came inside. “Kids in the den.”

“We are not children anymore,” said Jensen.

“Den.”

You grabbed his hand and went with him and his brother and sister into the side den, Mackenzie closing the door.

“They used to do this when we were in trouble,” she said. “Who-”

“The shit for brain idiots, Bob and Vince. Who’d you think,” said Josh.

“Could one of you two please tell me what they said?” asked Jensen as he sat on the couch. “Please?”

“They didn’t say a damn thing you haven’t read on the internet before. Y/N and I could have taken them,” said Josh.

“Are you okay?” asked Jensen. You nodded and gave him a smile. “You sure?”

“I was a little upset but I was about to slap the one in the face when Josh showed up. He called me his little sister,” you said.

“You used to not trust her you know,” said Jensen. 

“I didn’t either,” said Mackenzie. You glanced over to her, watching her look at her lap. “You got rid of those doubts very quickly for me, for the rest of us. You were terrified that Thanksgiving. We know our brother is different than us. We wanted someone to be with him because they liked him was all.”

“He’s important to me,” you said.

“We were at the wedding. We know,” said Josh. You nodded and looked down, Jensen sighing.

“Was it her age?” he asked. “Kenz?”

“Yes.”

“What exactly made you change your mind?” asked Jensen.

“I know you three had a big fight that night. When you finally came back and joined the campfire, I saw how she was trying to bury herself in your side. She had her hood up I remember,” she said.

“When she was crying?” asked Josh.

“I didn’t know you were crying,” said Jensen.

“I thought I’d hid it,” you said.

“We all saw,” she said. “You weren’t faking. After that we knew you really cared about Jensen.”

“You guys could have just talked to her you know,” said Jensen.

“Guys. It’s okay. I know this was not normal at first but we all care about each other. Some stupid relatives made some stupid comments. I don’t care about them. I care about the people here and our actual family. Screw the rest,” you said.

“Agreed,” said Jensen.

“Alright,” said their mom when the door opened. “Bob and Vince are gone and they aren’t welcome back.”

“Mom-“

“Jensen. It’s the end of it,” she said. He grumbled and crossed his arms. “Come feed Reese. She sounds like she’s hungry again.”

“Fine,” he mumbled as he stood and left. You scratched your head as Donna came in and took a seat next to you.

“I’m sorry for-“

“Don’t apologize for other people,” you said.

“I was going to say I’m sorry you never seem to catch a break on this,” she said.

“I knew what I signed up for,” you said, giving her a smile. “I’m okay. I just want to check on Jensen and Reese.”

You left and found him upstairs with her in his room, Reese looking up at the awards on the wall.

“Hey,” you said, tickling her chest. “Daddy was so good at baseball, wasn’t he?”

“I’ll never understand why people are mean for no reason,” he said quietly.

“Those two bimbos were obviously jealous of how successful you are,” you said. 

“I can never seem to protect you.”

“I don’t need you to.”

“Yeah but I want to. It’s my job. You were feeling better this week and then-“

“Then nothing,” you said. “Babe, your parents got rid of them and your brother was there for me and those people, the ones you actually care about, they’re the ones that helped me.”

“I know,” he said, leaning his head against Reese’s. “Just been a rough week.”

“Let’s enjoy the rest of the party then and we’ll have a lazy day tomorrow. I promise.”

“Hello cutie,” said Jared the next day back at home, bopping Reese’s nose with his own. “You are so lucky you didn’t get any of your daddy’s ugly genes.”

“It could be worse than that. She could look like you,” said Jensen.

“As if she could be more beautiful,” said Jared.

“Losers,” said Gen from the counter.

“You two dorks were so excited after the wedding being all ‘we’re brothers!’ and I swear they’ve gotten worse since then,” you said, Odette chasing Dean around.

“Wait until the kid moves like that,” chuckled Jared. “Also we are so not-“

“Like a pair of five year olds,” said Gen, taking a sip from her beer. “We should take more lazy Sundays. This should be a thing.”

“I’m cool with that,” said Jensen, plopping down on the couch. “Where’s my hot wife?”

“She’s literally disgusting,” said Jared.

“Your face is disgusting,” you said as you sat down on the edge of the couch and wrapped your arms around Jensen.

“Your face is disgusting,” said Jared, setting Reese down on Jensen’s chest. “See? Now it’s not disgusting.”

“Be nice to your sister, Jare,” said Jensen.

“Yeah yeah,” he said, picking Reese back up. “And because I’m so nice, I’m gonna make some snacks with this cutie for her very tired mommy and daddy while they take a nap.”

“We’re okay,” you said, peeling away from Jensen.

“We got it. Seriously. Go unwind,” said Jared. 

“Don’t have to tell us twice,” said Jensen.

Two minutes later you were both in bed and the lights were off, Jensen wrapping himself all around you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Jens.”

“Y/N.”

“Mhm.”

“Did you think about what we talked about on the way home yesterday?” he asked.

“Yup.”

“Any decisions?”

“Mhm.”

“Going to keep me in suspense?” he asked.

“I want you to keep working as much as you want to. Always. No matter how many kids it ends up being,” you said. “I will call in the troops more often and stay away from Instagram comments. I’ll still post but I’m just gonna ignore it all and focus on what matters.”

“Sounds good, kiddo,” he said, closing his eyes. “Sleep contest?”

“You’re on, Ackles.”

_______

[nsheetee]

Love In Silence

Requested: Taeyong + ”I just wanted to hear your voice”

Genre: Neighbor AU | Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You meet Taeyong after you move in next door, an indescribable and strong feeling connecting you together that you only let yourself fall into through little words and small touches. If only Taeyong had met you before he married someone else...

taeyong got married 2 years ago

and he was so in love

being a newlywed was a whirlwind of emotions; from elatedness to content to domesticity 

he thought his life was complete, that he could live peacefully knowing that everything he ever dreamed and hoped of was finally his

then, he met you

and he realized he didn’t have everything he wanted

because he didn’t have you

you started out as just a new neighbor 

you knocked on his door one sunny saturday morning, an apple pie balanced on your hands and a small smile on your face as you greeted him and his wife

you sat on his couch, back straight and hands now cupping a warm cup of tea

you got along great with his wife

and you got along great with taeyong, too

from the first meeting, there was something about him that made your eyes veer off of his spouse and glance at him

he was not only comforting, despite his sharp features and even sharper stare, but also enticing and warm

you came over for dinner that same night, taeyong’s wife absolutely demanding it since you’re new to town and “shouldn’t spend your first meal in a new town alone!”

enjoying the delicious cooking was hard when your mind was only thinking of your male neighbor

his knee touching yours under the table and his voice dizzying your head; you think you’ll remember his voice for the rest of your life

you felt so guilty, so bad for thinking these things about taeyong, especially when it didn’t seem like he was returning any of your secret looks 

until he walked you home after dinner ended

you pushed taeyong’s wife to let you help with the dishes; it was the least you could do since she made an amazing dinner, but she playfully shoved you and taeyong out of the kitchen and ordered him to walk you home

“you don’t have to.” you laughed lightly as you put your shoes on, “I’m just next door.”

“it’s no problem, really.”

you walked down the narrow hallway, shoulder to shoulder, hearts beating so loudly that the sound almost echoed off of the floor

“this is my place.” you awkwardly point behind you when you reach your door, the paint chipping off around the hinges

“just so you know, I’ll always be next door if you ever need help with anything. just let me know, yeah?” 

you could only stare at him, and he could only stare back

his proposition, a seemingly innocent exchange between new neighbors, held layers of unspoken feelings and words underneath

his eyes pushed you against the door, ravaged in the sight of you, and flooded your chest with feelings of want and desire

it was all too much for you

and you loved it

the feelings choking you were new and it made you feel like you were on top of the world, despite them blooming from such a dark place

you don’t mind drowning if taeyong is the one pushing you in

but when the elevator dings somewhere down the hall, it brings you out of your own minds and places you back into reality

you physically shake your head to help push away your swimming thoughts, not making eye contact with taeyong as you punch in your apartment’s code

“thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

and you did

when your water stopped working late one night, and your landlord was not answering your calls, you made a short walk to your neighbor’s door with taeyong’s words in the back of your mind

taeyong’s wife greeted you and after you explained the situation, she laughed and waved her hand

“oh, that’s no problem. taeyong can fix it! I’ll go get him now.” before you can protest, she had already left to go retrieve her husband

you weren’t sure what you were expecting by coming over to your neighbor’s place, but this wasn’t it

you paced in front of their door, mentally psyching yourself up for your next encounter with taeyong

you made a promise to yourself: don’t look at him too much, don’t speak to him too much, don’t think about his touches too much

it was easier said then done

leading taeyong to your apartment silently, you kept your head down and your mouth shut

“so, what happened to your water?”

“it stopped working.”

“... okay.” taeyong trailed off, “did it work earlier today?”

“yes.”

“what worked?”

“the bathroom.”

“what about the kitchen sink?”

“not sure.”

“what’s wrong?” his next question caught you off guard, and you managed to look up from your slipper-clad feet

taeyong is standing in the middle of your open-plan apartment, a tool box in one hand and a concerned look on his face

something tells you the concerned look is for you, not for your water problem

“I just said, my water isn’t work-”

“no, not that. you look down, is everything okay?” were you about to tell him that he was the problem?

no

because he was also the solution

and him standing in the middle of your home with his pajamas on and light brown hair flopping over his forehead made him look like he was in the middle of his own home

he blended in with your blue walls, the brown carpeted floor, the house plants by the window so well, you thought he had been here his whole life

but this wasn’t his home

he was a stranger here, and you so, so badly wanted him to feel familiar

“nothing,” you sighed, “just a long day at work.” taeyong could see through your lie, but decided not to bug you about it further

you decided that acting cold towards taeyong would only confuse him and hurt you

it was no use to pretend like he doesn’t exist because his existence is all the you seek

his presence at the mailboxes every morning before you leave for work

how he would send you his smile as he filed through his new mail

his singing permeating through your front door every time he walks past to his apartment

his laughter filtering through your living room wall whenever he watched his favorite tv show in his home

all of these little moments with him blessed you everyday

and at the same time, reminded you of what you can never have

on a particularly rainy night, you waited for taeyong’s singing to ring past your front door, but it never came

you wondered where he was

did he get stuck in the rain?

did he have to put in extra hours at work?

did he go to the grocery store today?

the endless possibilities worry you, until you hear a knock on your door

as you open it, lightening strikes outside, the rain hitting your windows and the side of the building with so much force, you’d think that the gods were angry

taeyong stands on your welcome mat, hair and shoulders dripping with rain water, his bag scuffing against the floor as it dangles from his fingertips

“taeyong? are you okay?” you ask in a whisper

he stares at you blankly, or maybe with so much emotion that you can’t pick any out in the cluster that appear on his face

he lightly drops his bag on the floor and steps closer

you don’t dare move away

gravity pulls you together, like two magnets that are so close to each other, it would be defying the laws of gravity to attempt to pull them apart at this point

his nimble hand comes up, cold and wet fingertips landing on your warm cheek and neck, caressing the skin he’s never touched before but has so desperately wanted to feel 

his actions are unexpected, but you welcome them anyway, your hands resting on his waist and under his ribs 

you can faintly feel his heartbeat, it’s calm and slow

his forehead rests against yours, his nose tickling your cheek, and his hair dripping onto your own

you don’t mind the smell of rain radiating off of him, or his t-shirt sticking to yours 

just the feeling of having him this close is enough for you

taeyong forgets about his commitments for a moment and revels in the peace he has found in you

it’s a struggle to keep your eyes open, wanting to take in this moment with all of your senses

the greatest and most memorable moments in life happen when your eyes are closed: laughing, sleeping, praying, kissing

and although you’re not doing any of those right now, this moment feels like one to embrace with your eyes closed

you want to ingrain this moment into your mind for the rest of your life because you don’t know when you’ll get another one like it

“say it again.” taeyong commands, his voice soft and smooth like the new pattern of falling rain outside; maybe the gods are happier now

“what?”

“my name.” his thumb on your cheeks moves, beckoning you to follow his words

“taeyong,” you repeat, also rubbing your hands against him, “are you okay?” you ask again

he sighs, forehead falling off of yours and into your neck, bringing the two of you chest to chest

“yeah, I just wanted to hear your voice.” 

letting taeyong go when he was just so close to you was probably one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do

you share a look; a silent agreement to not discuss what just happened here

taeyong picks up his bag, not shivering from the wet clothes that stick to him, but from the absence of you

the walk from your door to his own was probably one of the hardest things he has ever had to do

after closing your front door, you sit down on your couch, the movie you paused earlier illuminating your living room and the pounding of the storm shaking the building once again

despite all that, you still hear taeyong on the other side of your living room wall, greeting his wife and hearing her chipper laughter at her lover’s return

you fall over on your couch, numbly pressing the play button for the tv to hopefully drown out the noises

you never believed that wrong timing could affect romance 

until now

you and taeyong met in the wrong time and the wrong place, and these two factors now rule your relationship

you and taeyong have learned the lesson of loving something enough to let it go, of loving something only from a distance

and to continue to love in silence

[riotatthemovies]

Today we have a true wildman, maverick of low budget film Joel D Wynkoop. Let's get in the mindset of an actor, an actor's actor. An American Brian Blessed without the beard you could say (imagine Joe D Wynkoop as Hawkman and let that sink in) . To you regulars here at Riot at the movies you will remember Joel from 2019s Terrible Two Day fest where he closed the weekends events by appearing in Clownado as the cowboy pilot. Then just before screenings shut down in the first week for March 2020 we saw him again in the first film of this year Terrible Two Day Fest with a small but high energy cameo at the very end of Dinogore.

Let's pretend we are a live audience talk show and give a round of applause for Joel D Wynkoop.

Riot: Joel you are known as a high energy guy, what do you think or even what do you hope are people's first impressions of you?

WYNKOOP:      Well I hope they like my performances.  There are some that just flat out say "He yells too much!" I even had an actress tell me "Stop yelling at me, you're always yelling at me" but what she didn't get is that was the idea in the movie, the Sheriff(Played by me was yelling) but she got her feelings hurt and asked me not to yell at her.  "But....I'm supposed too." I told her...anyway the director pulled her aside and explained to her "...this is not real life and we were pretending" and she still didn't get it, so the director told me "don't yell at her too much."  Aside from the yelling and the out of control antics of a lot of my characters, I also want to be known as the actor that can do serious stuff too.  I have done parts that when they were done or in the middle of where the audience was crying because I was going for that emotional touch.  I have done things that scare the audience, not to mention my co stars.                          My wife, before I knew her, we had just met and we did a very emotional scene when I was in her face yelling at her, later the director said to her "You were great you really looked scared." and she said "I was scared, he is a scary guy when he yells... I thought he was going to hit me."  But I can also do comedy where people may say "Man Wynkoop was so funny in that" or "Mannnn Wynkoop was so annoying in that" in each case that is what I was going for.                                In my latest movie "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" I think people are going to say the latter because the character I do is annoying....but funny...I hope.  If they don't like me right away or there's someone out there going "Wynkoop sucks, his movie's suck"  I hope people make their own decisions if they like me or not.

Riot: Let's look back at your early break into low budget films. Which character do you relate to the most, Steve Nekoda the religious, confused martial arts man of action from Lost Faith or do you deep down feel a little more fucked up like Dan Hess from Wicked Games or maybe even worse the officer in Dirty Cop No Donut? Or is that just crazy ? If you don't feel you personally relate to them, who was your favorite character to play?

WYNKOOP: Just doing Steve Nekoda, Dan Hess or Gus Kimble I think I am a little of all of them in real life.  One time... well more then once in my life...real life...I have had to step in and protect someone like Steve Nekoda would, other times I have been the smart ass like Gus Kimble and his brand of justice where I have said things like (When someone is too close to me, I mean right on my ass) I turn to them and say "Are you gonna propose?" and they say "No" then I say "Then get off my ass!"                        More than once I have stood up for somebody... one time I told two guys to leave the premises because the girl inside the store was scared of them.  The one guy then said to me.  "You got a problem with me?"  I said "No, I don't have a problem with you, but you're gonna have a problem with me if you don't leave now!"  He started to move towards me. I went into a striking stance and his buddy grabbed him and said  "Let's go man." and they left.  The cops told me later "Don't be the hero just call us next time, we have guns."                      Dan Hess pushed in his Truth or Dare world, is me when I get annoyed in traffic.  Someone cut me off I exploded in rage, he saw me in his mirror cursing him, he stopped his car and jumped out and came after me, I jumped out of my car and yelled at the top of my lungs "Don't FUCK with me man!!"   He got back in his car and left and I did the same.  Hey, I'm not perfect!  

                     Again Steve Nekoda. I am a Christian yes, I swear, I'm sorry, were all human. I will stop and pray with someone at the drop of a hat.  I have ran charity events for people struggling with medical bills.  I will offer you some money if they are hard up...not scammers!  So I guess I am a little of all of my characters.  Nick Hazzard, Dan Hess, Steve Nekoda, Parsons Cooper, Angus Lynch, Tie-Ree, Cope Ransom and a lot more.                         Favorite character?  I think all of them.  I loved Steve Nekoda cause he is like a superhero, Parsons Cooper is turned into a sci-fi superhero.                          Dan Hess is fun because he is an average guy with a messed up life.  Angus Lynch was fun to play because he was just psycho!  Same with Gus Kimble from the Dirty Cop movies.  They are all fun to play, I just can't lock one particular one down.  They're all fun...CLOWNADO?  I loved playing that character "HAWK" for Todd Sheets!!  It was a fun role to play and Todd really let me run with it.  Little easter eggs too in one line almost under my breath you here my character HAWK say "I'm just about to watch a Todd Sheets Joel Wynkoop double feature, those guys kill me."  Yeah I love them all!

Riot: I am honestly imagining you doing a remake of Falling Down (the Micheal Douglas movie) just so I can see you super red faced getting angry in your car and flipping out at the traffic. You have like a dozen, if not more projects on the go at any time. How's Covid treating you? Are you going stir crazy or getting some stuff done on the side? I hope the conventions come back and people can get copies of all these movies as well.

WYNKOOP: Covid?  We are dealing with it.  If the law, Government or whatever wants you to wear masks just wear the mask.  It's not that big a deal.  Yes it annoys me but I wear it because it is the law and you're keeping people and yourself safe.  You know what?  I knew a guy that was a nudist and he told me "Joe, I don't know why we have to wear these, these clothes, I should be able to walk around unencumbered and free, there's nothing wrong with my body, I should be allowed to walk around nude, go into the store, go to the movies, I feel like I am being persecuted against because I cannot be free and naked."  Well guess what?   That is what everyone is saying about wearing their masks...are you comfortable with people walking around naked in your grocery store, pet store, church, movie theater, everywhere you go?  I'm not.     I think if we are told to wear masks then wear them.  It's "NOT" being sheep, you're being smart.  If you don't believe in it... go up to a stranger and say (With your mask on) "Please hack up all over me because I don't believe in the Corona Virus... try and let spit come out of your mouth too cause I don't believe in it so I won't get it!"  Then pull your mask down so you can inhale all that virus you think is "NOT" there.  People say more people die from the flu then Corona?  Really?  Personally I don't know any of my friends that have died from the flu...BUT I Have had at least 10 friends die of the CoronaVirus in the last two months.  As of writing this tonight I just found out two more of my friends caught the Corona Virus because they let someone in their home and now they have it.  If you don't believe in it then you don't believe the Earth is round.                     Stir Crazy?  Nah!  If we need to get out it is because of the news.  The world is really messed up now and it is all the same stories over and over again.  The riots were terrible!!!!!!  Anyway when it gets too much we go for a ride in the van.  I just want to make movies. I can't change anything, I'm not magic.   I'll  just continue to make movies.  Also I am editing my new movie now called THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT which never would have happened if it were NOT for the Corona Virus, I started this movie cause everyone was told to stay home, it was mandatory here! Curfew was enforced.  So I asked my wife Cathy, "Hey just shoot me talking to the camera."  Now spin it around so it looks like I am talking to myself as my counterpart and THAT is how The Craiglon Incident originated.  It is now like two hours long in my timeline waiting to be completed.  If there was no virus there would have been no CRAIGLON INCIDENT".                    But just editing the movie keeps me plenty busy! PLUS I ask people if they are interested in being a producer or executive producer of either or both my movies "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" or "BEAST MODE"(A movie we started with Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman but was shut down because of Covid) people can contact me and become producers and executive producers just by purchasing some of my movies...It's a great way to get some entertainment and build your IMDB!!!!                       Conventions YES!!!  Me too.  So many have been shut down at the last moment.  We even had Tampa Bay Screams here that was slated in August but it has been moved to March 2021 and we don't even know if that will happen.  Yes I miss it!!  More than selling the flicks I like meeting everyone that comes to the shows.  That's why I continue to do things on Facebook and make movies and sell online to keep my name out there so folks don't forget about me.  I don't think I would be comfortable doing a show right now anyway, not the way things are. I have had two shoots lately, one a TV show and one a rap video and I was nervous the whole time hoping I didn't get anything from anyone.  But yes it would be nice to get the world back to normal, well, not even normal... BETTER THAN NORMAL...hey that's a good name for a TV show..."Hey brother what are you doing next Wednesday night?"  "Me, oh not much I'm gonna check out that new TV show...what's it called, oh yeah...BETTER THAN NORMAL".

Riot: Let this be a reminder to my regular Canadian viewers and readers of just how freaking lucky we are up here. I love America for many things but for my health situation I wouldn't trade places with you Joel for the world. Thanks for being so open with us. Ok, How do you feel your films have dated over the years? The projects you've done with Tim Ritter seem to have just as strong a twisted fan base as always if not more these days.

WYNKOOP:     I think they hold up fine.  You have to remember when Tim Ritter and I started there was no CGI in indie movies.  It was all practical effects, if you wanted blood you made it and threw it on the actor you couldn't say "Hey put a blood splat there and make it look real with your CGI effects."  Nothing wrong with CGI it is just we didn't have that then. Also editing wasn't on your home computer with Movie Maker and Premiere... (They didn't exist when Tim and I broke into this, in fact some places have credited Tim and I  have been credited with the whole direct to video happening.)...  it was rent an edit bay with big 3/4 machines and shuttle the tape back and forth... In the beginning for Tim and myself, Tim and I use to edit on cutting boards with splicing tape.  You scratched your effects into the actual film.                           I remember putting "The Eight Million Dollar Boy Meets The Invisible Transport Boy" together, splicing it all together, it was an hourlong and it was hard to do that 50 feet at a time.  But yeah a lot of people are like "Yeah I remember TRUTH OR DARE man that was cool!" Even Elijah Wood on all the late night shows was talking about how much he loved "TRUTH OR DARE"!  "LOST FAITH" has got that same kind of attention, a lot of people really love it.  BUT like all our movies... some hate them, some love them.  I'll take the love over the hate... but you have to accept it all.       Believe it or not I learned this philosophy from Marvel Team Up.  Spiderman had just stopped the Basilik and was handing him over to the cops and Spidey said "Here you go officer, although I don't know why you would want him?" and the cop said "All part of the job wall crawler, you take the bad with the good."  And that is how I take everything, especially reviews.  You take the bad with the good.                               So yeah I think they hold up...I had a friend when STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION came out and he was like "Oh the original sucked the effects are much better in NEXT GENERATION"   Well "No Duh" I told him... it's like 30 some years later but STAR TREK is still a classic show!!  It still holds up today, the stories are great and I love the effects... yes the upgrades are awesome but always classic "Star Trek".  There is always gonna be a better format... pretty soon movies will be like holograms and we'll be being punched in the face by the characters in the movies. Technology changes everything so you have to give them credit for the era they were made.                                    The people that love Twisted Illusions movies and my movies are AWESOME.  I divide the two because Tim and I have done alot together as Twisted Illusions and I in turn have done a lot under Wynkoop Productions and joined the two over the years. I am still a part of Twisted Illusions with Tim and he with me in Wynkoop Productions it is two small companies just trying to entertain people.                                   We are BOTH very fortunate to have the nice people we do enjoying all of our movies and we will never forget that.  I get Facebook requests all the time and I ask them "What made you want me as a friend?" and they 90% always say "I saw your movies in High School" or "I saw you in Truth Or Dare"or "I loved you in Dirty Cop No Donut" and they all say "What are you doing now?".  In fact every time I think I am going to quit I get a Facebook from someone saying "I love your movies please don't stop making them." and I never will until GOD calls me home.  Even then when I am gone, I hope people keep watching all my movies I have done with Tim and the ones I have done and the ones we have collaborated on.  To the ones out there that watch our stuff I hope we are entertaining you because that is all we want to do, 'cause we sure arn't getting rich from it.

Joel Getting Tough in The Other Side

Riot: You do the whole package, acting, directing, producing. What makes low budget filmmaking still a passion for you and what are some of the things these days that frustrate you the most?

WYNKOOP: Frustrate me the most?  Editing.  I will have a whole scene in my timeline and the power goes out, I hit the wrong key and delete stuff, lightning hit the house and fries it, lightning turns out our power and I lose it.  It freezes up as I am editing and I have to wait an hour for it to fix itself.  When it says "SAVE" I hit no.  I make mistakes when I am tired while I am editing and boom I do something wrong and it is gone and I have to start all over again.  There have been problems when I was editing my TV show I was putting in the last minute touches and lost the whole thing and had to start over from the beginning again.  Frustrating!  I keep working at it no matter what.  I like to act in all I can.  When I don't have anything that is when I say it's time to make my own movie, although in this case of "THE CRAIGLON INCIDENT" it was because of Covid 19.  I'd like to make more money at it but doesn't everyone?

So as you can tell I sneak more then one question in at a time and I'm glad you took the time to shoot the shit with us. I hope 2021 means we get to go crazy and make all the weirdest and wildest movies we all can think of and I look forward to seeing what you got to throw at us. Thanks again. Stay Awesome.

Also Check out Joel in Lycanimator made by our Ontario buddy Seb Godin (also of Dinogore), get the vhs horror boobs made for Wild Eye Releasing , its better then the dvd.

WYNKOOP:  Thank you all for taking the time and showing some interest in this old guy!!!!  It is appreciated, thank you to everyone on your staff and everyone reading this article... thank you all so much and to see what I am doing please seek me out on Facebook under Joel D. Wynkoop.  Thank you!

[cannonimages-blog]

Joe

     “I love ya man”      Me? I asked myself in silence. Who sent you here? I felt so afraid, receiving this sensation. Was I valued enough, for someone to send an unknown guardian? Who knew, that such reassurance was needed from a stranger, elevating my spirit and lifting me from this melancholy, depression.    The first time I saw Joe he was laying in a doorway and it was the winter of 1977-78. I had just begun my first day in barbering school, Cincinnati’s “Over-the-Rhine.” He laid there like a piece of gum that society had chewed up and spit out. Only to be trampled upon and embedded into the concrete. The clothes he wore barely fit enough to keep him warm, his shirt stuck out past the shrunken and frayed wool jacket. Through the spilt seam on the rear of his pants, his underwear revealed while he curled up on an old piece of cardboard.  I just had turned seventeen and never in my life have I witnessed such a desolate individual. After all, he probably deserved the situation he was in, just plain lazy or drunk. I thought it was ironic to watch a wino urinate in a garbage can, and then later, see another person search for something to eat from the same container.     There were two areas in the school, a junior and senior side. The senior side charged for services, seventy-five cents for a haircut, and fifty-cents for a shave. On The junior side where all began, haircuts and shaves were generally free. An instructor would grasp a homeless individual off the street and offer a free service, or, sometimes they would just walk in. They all received the same haircut on the junior side; you would take a burr clipper and just buzz the hair down. “Just like shearing sheep on the way to the slaughter house,” one of my instructors would boast. (The owner, wife and son were very courteous to the homeless; they also owned a little grocery store up the block, Albert’s.) These people were so filthy. They had not bathed nor had their hair washed in months. The clippers would clog up with the accumulated dandruff and scabs in the waxy-coated hair. We always had to check for bleeding sores and head lice before we could start cutting. Joe stumbled in that day and pointed to his head.   “You’re up Tim,” an instructor impatiently yelled. I motioned for Joe to come over; he released a deep drowning moan as he sat down. Oh, the body odor, I will never forget the scent. He smelled like bacon grease and cigarettes, while his breath stunk of alcohol and rotting teeth. Not at all greeting him,  I threw the haircloth around him and prepared my clippers. As I looked into the mirror, his features began to soften as the tiny droplets of frost and sinus drainage started to melt away from his beard and mustache. Joe removed the tattered beanie cap and his matted down hair revealed the years of tangled memories. I really do not remember if I asked what kind of haircut Joe wanted, he was just a subject and it was a free service. I only knew how to give a burr. I turned on the clippers and proceeded to mow his hair right down the middle.   “Naah” Joe’s voice garbled while motioning his hands.      “He just wants a little off all over, just a trim,” my instructor smirked.   “I’m so sorry,” I told him. This was my first real lesson in humility. (I later learned that people living on the streets keep their hair longer for warmth in the winter.)

I felt so embarrassed; I hurried to finish the haircut and trimmed his beard. I took the haircloth off and lowered the barber chair. Joe slowly lifted his body up from the seat, came over to me and patted me on the back as he spoke, and it sounded like “It’s O.K.”  For the next few days whenever Joe walked past the huge display window, he would stop, knock on the glass, take off his beanie cap, point to his hair, and smile. In that simple act of forgiveness, Joe had started to become a human to me.

     It was so cold outside, business was slow, and students were standing around waiting and talking. Just then, the door flew open, Joe came in with two other individuals. It was obvious they had been drinking. They were getting a little too friendly and begging for money; I think they just wanted to get warm. Joe was not saying too much as he stood there in a bewildered stupor. To my disbelief, one of the instructors came over and started aggressively shoving them out the door. Joe stumbled and fell to the floor. The instructor started repeatedly kicking Joe telling him to “Get out and stay out. ” I ran over, pushed the instructor out of the way, and I told him what an ass he was. Joe was bleeding from the nose. I helped him to his feet and sent him on his way. That day, Joe finally became human to me.    Soon after, I was on the way to the Bank Café for lunch. Joe was again standing outside begging for money. He asked for some change, and I knew he wanted it for a drink or did I? Therefore, I offered to buy him some lunch. He took the offer and we both ordered the soup and sandwich special. His whole persona opened up to me while we ate. Soup would drip as his trembling hand lifted the spoon, his fingers stained yellow by the years of smoking. While I thought Joe was always drunk, I became aware that he suffered mental problems; his speech was a little hard to understand at times. While I have seen him passing the bottle; was I to judge what he wanted money for? I probably would drink a little wine myself to escape isolation and misery.

Joe was asking for money on afternoon, so instead I offered him a warm lunch, my treat. I learned through my conversation with Joe that when came back from the Vietnam War, his wife had left him. His parents had died a while ago and with no other family, Joe had fallen into a severe depression. He drifted around and ended here in Cincinnati. He did migratory farm labor to earn money, only to lose it on alcohol, gambling, being beaten and robbed. I asked Joe why he did not receive his Veterans benefits. At this point, he shrugged, and seemed not to really even care. (You need an established permanent address to receive any type of aid. Though I doubt Joe could mentally calculate finances anymore.)  He loved baseball and kept repeating, “those Cincinnati Reds.” I left Joe sitting there at the bar when we were finished with lunch. After all, today he was a paying customer and Joe could stay warm a little while longer. Joe asked if I had a pen, which I did. I gave it to him and he just started scribbling on a napkin. Maybe a long lost note to home. I graduated from Barbering School and left Over the Rhine, and Joe.

Many years latter I volunteered with The Sisters of the Poor, in the same area where I went to barbering school, giving free haircuts for those in need.

I was walking downtown one day, and low on self-esteem. My life had taken a complete spin in terms of health, employment and finances. (I was in a bad auto accident, a heart attack, self-employed and had to close our business, and suffered nerve damage from an accident) How could I keep working? Am I not a man anymore? As I drifted along bewildered, I heard, “I love ya, man.” My feelings transformed as I turned and saw a man leaning against a building panhandling. It was Joe! (this is true) I walked over and put what I had in his cup. I told Joe that I remembered him from many years ago, yet, he did not recognize me. Or did he? We shook hands and gave a hug, as our lives touched once again. That day Joe became an angel, a guardian?   Through volunteering, cutting the hair of the homeless, my wife and I have met many Joe’s in life. They all share a common thread, being human. How many Joe’s have you met in your life, or, are you a Joe? 

“I love ya, man.”

 Timothy Cannon  

[mubal4]

Noticing’s

 At this time, it is easy to get distracted.  There are certainly good distractions and there are bad distractions, ahem…..#TigerKing, and we will get to that in a minute. Instead of distractions, I am using the terms, “noticing’s,” well, because that is what I see these things as.  Over the last few days I have noticed quite a bit of strange & unusual things more than just the obvious stuff.  I wanted to throw a distraction into the blog and steer away from what has been encompassing us and share some of these “noticing’s.” But, what I really wanted to do is through some humor out there and have a few laughs.  There may be some areas that seem like me on my soapbox, and maybe it is but it is again, just what I’ve noticed and I am reporting those findings 😊!!  

 First off, I love getting out to the trails with my wife Robin.  Again, would love to have the girls join us but 6am hike on a Saturday morning for 2 teenagers isn’t something that is on their radar 😉!  The pictures included here are all from our hike/run at Elephant Mountain up in Cave Creek, AZ.  Been hearing a lot of this loop and the views.  I tried to get up there a couple of weeks ago but the rains we had washed out all the river crossings.  This past Saturday I decided to head up and Robin wanted to join me.  About an hour in she may have been second guessing that decision 😊.  It is a tough trial, both uphill’s and downhills are challenging and incredibly technical.  But the views, well, you can see some of them, they were stunning.  Definitely a new area that I will be adventuring to more often.

 While on the topics of the trials (soapbox #1), this virus must have caused people to lose their trail etiquette, as well as general counting & number skills. I don’t know, maybe we have parts of AZ that are transitioning to the metric system and have lost the understanding of what 6 feet means? Maybe they think it is really 6 meters? Also, groups of 10 doesn’t mean groups of 20.  When you have a group of 5-6 people on a trail and you are made aware of people passing you “ON THE LEFT,” get your ass as far to the right as possible.  That goes the same for people you are approaching; move as far over to the right as possible or even step off the trail if you can.  I understand these are different times but Christ folks, pay attention.  Okay, moving on from there and I will say the trail run I did yesterday the people were much better.  I will just chalk it up for us all adjusting and adopting the new ways of life right now. Patience is key right?

 These times have certainly changed what our trip to the grocery store looks like.  Once again, outside of the obvious things, but we went from tons of fruits and veggies to incredibly amounts of processed carbs and red meat.  Oh, and beer, lots of beer.  Seriously, I need to start social distancing myself from the fridge. We keep telling ourselves that we will start a cleanse on Monday, but we are just not identifying what Monday at this time 😊.  Interestingly enough though, I am still feeling good on my runs and staying consistent. That said though, my feeling is the big race I have on the calendar for July will likely be canceled or postponed. Most ultramarathon’s and races in general, are being canceled or postponed, good for them too, so like most things, we will wait and see how things play out over the next few months. Whatever the case, with all this stuff now, we have a few ideas and plans up our sleeve. At least for this week though, cereal, pasta, bread, chips are continuing to be consumed along with copious amounts of beer!!  We are making a lot of stuff from scratch though and grilling out more which is fun. What is sort of disturbing with this dietary change though, our groceries are noticeably less expensive!!! Scary!  We did decide that this is the last week and next Monday we will begin our cleanse………. stay tune for that – LOL!

 Even though we are throwing a bunch of nonsense in our heads we are all staying consistent with exercise.  I am so proud of our daughters for getting their “required” workouts in each day.  It is cool to see them get their stuff in at the house.  Also, Robin started “teaching from home” today; ironically, as she was gearing things up to start, we got an announcement that school is cancelled for the rest of this year so everything will be done online.  This morning was pretty cool though, as I was on and off conference calls myself in my office, Robin, who set up shop about 30 feet away from me in our “dinning room,” was having classes with her kids.  I listened in to some of the conversations and 1) it was awesome to experience the engagement and relationships she has with her students.  2) It was also incredibly funny hearing them working to adjust to the new way of things.  They are leveraging WebEx for classes so getting use to turning on/off mute, the camera feature, and adjusting to new technology was cute to listen in on.  I did hear a couple “haven’t been doing too much the last 2 weeks and this is really early to start.”  Not ideal for many of us these days but I am certainly getting some laughs out of this.  While this was all going on, both daughters were in their rooms getting their online learning in as well.  Shockingly, Alaina, our soon to be 14-year-old, felt being in school would be much more organized and actually said, “yes, I would rather be in school.” That warmed my heart 😊.  I am going to refer to this blog come next year when the “I don’t want to go to school today” comes up!!  

 Strangely enough, I am not going through withdrawal from sports.  Sure, it would have been great to see the NCAA Wrestling Championships, March Madness, and the start of baseball happening right now, but well, it pains me to say a bit, but they are distractions.  Of course, they are but what I mean is that they have distracted us (Robin, the girls, and I) from spending time together.  Robin and I were having this conversation yesterday and I did note that this would have been different if it was college football season. I would be likely sitting on the TV watching replays of any college football game I can get my hands on and again, consuming large amounts of beer. 😊  Now, not so much.  We’ve been enjoying games of Ping-Pong and delving into new shows.  Alaina got Robin sucked into Stranger Things and I would be lying to you if I haven’t enjoyed a few minutes of it 😊. However, I am, like much of what I’ve been learning out there, drawn into and captivated by the disturbing ridiculousness of the Tiger King documentary on Netflix.  Holy shit!  I think it was on Friday, as a couple of my buddies and I were checking in on each other, that they suggested I tune into it.  It was described as a complete train wreck that is alarmingly hilarious. After asking what it was about, I respectfully declined but they kept sharing little nuggets with me.  Then on Saturday, our oldest Isabella, after watching the first episode, said we have to watch this today.  I told her that I wouldn’t “waste my time with that nonsense” but she was telling how much I would like it.  So, Saturday afternoon we watched the first episode and I immediately felt dumber from the experience.  

 Dramatic Pause!!!!!

 As I began to get dinner started, Robin, once again sucked into another show, wanted to watch the 2nd episode, so we did and then all shit fell apart and I was sucked in myself.  So much so that we finished the rest of the episodes on Sunday.  What a shit show but freeking hilarious. Talk about a distraction from what his happening throughout the world.  The timing couldn’t have been better for these guys &, if want some extra added humor, go to Facebook or Twitter and search for #tigerking. The comedy scale is meteoric.  

 I know there will be folks out there that will take umbrage with others making light of things.  My comments to them, “lighten up.” I think we all understand the severity of what is happening throughout the world but that doesn’t mean we can have laughter, distractions, and “notice” things.  We are living in a time when much of what we are doing right now is unnatural.  We are all adjusting to what is a new way of living and it is taking time to create those new routines.  I don’t believe all hell is breaking lose or anything like that.  Yes, my actions are not characteristic but there are also things that I am staying consistent with.  

 There are several things that I am doing that aren’t typical for me.  That’s okay. I will forgive myself.  I will transition back to my everyday routines, and things will be just fine. We will figure this shit out and in the meantime, if I want to soak in some Joe Exotic for a laugh or two and suck down a few beers and a steak at the same time, I am going to do.  And yes, then I will get up and run 15 miles the next day.

 Let’s do our part to stay safe, stay well, and lighten up a bit; this shit won’t last forever. 😊

[bravegirlwrites]

11

Imperfect relationships that helped you become a better person.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Even as a kid myself, I knew it. I was never big on playing with dolls when I was little, pretending to care for them as if they were my own babies. Barbies, yes, by the boatload and for hours and hours at a time, but never dolls. At least not the way my own daughter does, wrapping them in dish towels and swaying them in her arms and filling toy bottles with whatever container of liquid from the fridge she can manage to open by herself. I still knew it though, always, that my life would include motherhood, that I wanted to have children and give myself to raising them. I was so assured of this desire within myself that I talked about it with my husband, Jerod, on one of our very first dates. It was all part of introducing myself to him, the same way he spent those first times together sharing all the essential bits and pieces that made him who he was. Hello, I’m Emily, and I love God, my family, writing, laughing at all your jokes, and oh yeah, I want to be a mother and stay at home with my kids if I can. Or something like that. At any rate my wanting to be a mom was never so much a path I chose or a decision I came to as it was just simply who I am. Jerod was on board with the whole having kids thing as evidenced by the fact that after I gushed about babies on our first date he took me out for a second one, and then of course he married me after all. We never did quite talk through how many we might have, or when. I guess those seemed like minor details to us and luckily they happened to fall into place without much worry. We had just celebrated our first anniversary when my brother and his wife shared with us that they were trying to conceive, and so overwhelming was our joy and excitement for them at their news that we immediately decided to jump on the bandwagon too. It’s possibly the only thing in my life I’ve never overthought, the decision to get pregnant that first time. Months later, I was carrying my little Cooper inside of me and it all seemed to be coming together. Which is why I was so taken aback when after he’d arrived and was in my arms, my primary thought was What the hell have I done? Not right away, of course. Giving birth was not my favorite, but it was a miracle (there’s no other word for it) and I’ll never forget the emotion that flooded me upon seeing his face for the first time, the way his eyes bewitched me from the start. He was mine and I was so proud of him and looking at him, holding him, touching him was sheer delight. Here was this little person that I’d made together with the love of my life and he’d come from me and now all I had to do was love him. Except by the time we brought him home from the hospital two days after his birth, I’d realized there was quite a bit more involved than just that and that’s when the whole slew of $%@#*!! thoughts started streaming. My whole pregnancy through I’d never stopped receiving all kinds of advice, some solicited, most of it not. Complete strangers at the grocery store would come up and tell me how much hard work I was in for, give me pointers on how to manage the overwhelming stress that was sure to ensue. I’d smile at them all, nod my head a bit maybe if they seemed especially passionate, all the while completely ignoring them while I patted my big, fat belly. Before becoming a mom I looked ahead at the sleep I was sure to lose and the social events I’d miss out on because babysitters don’t just work out of the goodness of their hearts. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me then, and even after entering motherhood it wasn’t really. The problem was all the other stuff I hadn’t anticipated. The straight up agony of trying to make sure my sweet little babe (on the smaller side at birth) got enough to eat so he’d measure up to all the pediatrician’s standards. The way a failed attempt at feeding him could make me feel completely inadequate, the worst mother in the history of the world. How I didn’t quite feel myself, even after my stomach was no longer stretched to capacity, because so much of me had now been given over to the care of this tiny newborn. The way it all never ended, the constant cycle of feeding, burping, changing, rocking. Even when he slept and was at peace, I was not, my harried brain triggered by every sleepy sigh, wondering if he was okay, how long he might sleep until I would be needed again. Becoming a mother seemed to flip a switch inside of me that I’d never even known was there, and now it was always on. Even during the occasional times I’d be away from Coop, a part of me just wasn’t and he constantly filled my mind. So yeah, it was a great deal more difficult and a lot more hard work than I’d thought it would be. It turned out all those damn supermarket shoppers had been right. Still, it was also beautiful and fun and sacred even, those first days and months of waking up to each new morning at home with my little guy. I had been ready to love him since before he was born, but I hadn’t been prepared for how overwhelmed I would be by the task of taking care of him around the clock. Motherhood challenged me for sure (as it still does every single day), and it took me awhile back then at the beginning to learn how to find within myself a greater measure of patience and selflessness and love than I’d ever known was there before.

[momscookingthebooks]

Check out this amazing cover for MY BEST FRIEND'S EX by Meghan Quinn releasing on June 1st! 

MY BEST FRIEND'S EX

New Adult Romantic Comedy

Release Date: June 1, 2017

Add to Goodreads TBR: http://bit.ly/2oJ8dxH

#MyBestFriendsEx #sexy #romcom #friendstolovers

Synopsis:

When I found an eviction notice taped on my apartment door, I had two options: find a comfortable cardboard box to call home, or move in with Tucker Jameson. 

Seeing that cardboard makes me feel itchy, I chose the latter. Which shouldn't be that big of a deal since Tucker is one of my good friends. And because he's still pining after his ex-girlfriend and I'm trying to finish my nursing degree, there is nothing to worry about in the romance department, making my last semester an easy one to conquer.

Boy, was I wrong. 

Rules are set, dinners are made, conversations are had, and a shirtless, swoony roommate walks around in nothing but a pair of black briefs, ruining me for every other man. 

Before I know it, I turn into a panting, lust-filled woman begging for Tucker to kiss me, touch me, and show me exactly what is hiding under those briefs. 

But with great orgasms, comes great consequences. 

Tucker might be my friend and roommate but he’s also my best friend's ex-boyfriend, making him completely off-limits. At least that's what my brain is telling me, my heart is speaking an entirely different language.

About the Author:

Born in New York and raised in Southern California, Meghan has grown into a sassy, peanut butter eating, blonde haired swearing, animal hoarding lady. She is known to bust out and dance if "It's Raining Men" starts beating through the air and heaven forbid you get a margarita in her, protect your legs because they may be humped.

Once she started commuting for an hour and twenty minutes every day to work for three years, she began to have conversations play in her head, real life, deep male voices and dainty lady coos kind of conversations. Perturbed and confused, she decided to either see a therapist about the hot and steamy voices running through her head or start writing them down. She decided to go with the cheaper option and started writing... enter her first novel, Caught Looking.

Now you can find the spicy, most definitely on the border of lunacy, kind of crazy lady residing in Colorado with the love of her life and her five, furry four legged children, hiking a trail or hiding behind shelves at grocery stores, wondering what kind of lube the nervous stranger will bring home to his wife. Oh and she loves a good boob squeeze!

Like me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/meghanquinnauthor

Find me on Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7360513.Meghan_Quinn

Visit my website: http://authormeghanquinn.com/

[jaxxonpollux]

intimacy

i’ve been thinking a lot about lifestyle choices, or what can even be thought of as “character choices,” things i’ve done during my lifetime that define the kind of person that i am. i mean, what else is there to think about, really, when you live the kind of life i do? it’s a constant reflection, second-guessing, looking at the world as if you’re an outsider, living inside my own head, etc. same old bullshit, but that’s what happens when you’re alone so often. you scrutinize. you wonder what went wrong, where it went wrong. i heard this a few days ago (and have experienced it myself!) that when you’re with other people, your personality changes. you find enjoyment in things you normally wouldn’t, you have conversations you don’t think about when you’re alone, you act differently. wear a different skin. and this same source said that when you happen to dislike yourself, you find comfort in this same phenomenon, because you can kind of like, play a different part. let loose a part of your personality that doesn’t make sense when you’re by yourself. this i do also partially agree with, though i have also been with people that inspire absolutely nothing new from me, and thus are subjected to my horribly boring, domestic eeyore self.

anyway, that being said, i often wonder about relationships i’ve been in, not so much about what went wrong, but things that happened in the aftermath. some relationships are just wipe-of-the-hands done, nothing left to examine. i was 14 and it just didn’t work out, whatever. other times i check in on people and see where they are now, see how they’ve changed since the last time i knew them (and oftentimes wonder if they’d get along with me better with me nowadays). and i don’t know. it’s hard wondering about that kind of stuff. 

i still do think about vivien a lot, though not in the same way i used to. i don’t really know how or why. i wanted to call her the other night, and came very close to doing so, but realized i didn’t really want to talk to her. i just wanted to see if she would answer. i feel like i’m still awaiting a reply, and therefore don’t really have anything more to say. i don’t want to share my life anymore with someone that makes me feel so alone at times, like i’m talking into a void, sharing my best ideas and all of my writing and then never receiving anything in return. it’s not that different from writing here in a journal actually, except here i don’t have to expect anything. i did goof up with vivien somewhere, and it’s hard to wonder about that kind of stuff. 

she’s still an enigma to me, in some ways, and i know for sure i am to her as well. she told me so herself, that first night we were together in miami. she had no idea who i was or what i wanted, and i guess she was frustrated by it. she was probably a little drunk, but i do believe it’s something she at least thought about. i feel the same way about her, too. another one of our twin flame things, i guess, being completely indecipherable. and it’s strange too, because i feel like i’m an open book with just about everybody, but i must be written in latin or something. i share stuff, but none of the like, important stuff. like what i want out of life and whatnot. those sorts of things are even difficult for me to articulate, to be honest. i love telling stories, and talking about movies, things that i like, books that i read, fantasies i’ve had, dreams i’ve dreamt. i love showing what i accomplished in a day, explaining why i liked the porno video i watched, picking out my favorite details in a person’s face or walk or speech. and i guess those things don’t amount to anything when people try to figure out the kind of person i am or who i’m trying to be. i speak only in poetics. i’ve never thought about who i am in plain terms, and i always just hope someone else can figure it out for themselves. i’ve failed to define myself so many times, and i’m kind of open to suggestions at this point. tell me what career i’m really fit for. buy me a hat you’d think would look fetching on me.

side note, i did see a woman at the grocery store today, her name is jess, she used to come into the cafe when i worked there. i had a little bit of a crush on her, like the shallow kind, like she was very beautiful and seemed nice and like she had a lot to her and it was appealing to me. and she was there at the grocery store checking out with her baby in a stroller, and her husband (boyfriend?) who, to me, looked like a complete idiot, like he had both his ears pierced and was wearing sunglasses indoors and was in all black clothes... like he was still really hung up on looking cool, as a grown up man with a child. i don’t know why i’m so malicious about stuff like that. i don’t know if it’s like some vague sense of jealousy or if i’m just really disgusted by what i assume to be vanity... anyway i digress! the point is, i had myself a little daydream that i was that guy instead, and she had some well-paying corporate job, and i was the stay at home dad... it’s really silly sounding, especially the way i constructed this paragraph. looking down on the boyfriend and then immediately after imagining myself in his place. why do i do that? i do it a lot too, it’s like something you always hear about girls doing, eyeing their competition up and down and stuff when they meet another girl with a boyfriend. it must be like, really primal.

i do think it says something about me that daydream about being a stay at home dad, though. i just think at this point, it’s the role that makes the most sense. i don’t really have any ambitions when it comes to my career, only that i want to make enough money to advance through my dang life, and that’s about the end of it. and i’m certainly not achieving that as a baker, even though baking is something i really do enjoy; it’s just that the part i enjoy about it is completely devoid from the job i’m doing right now. i want to care for people, feed people, make special things and have people say “wow! this is so lovely. thank you.” i want my cooking to have a purpose, or to be recognized. i don’t want it to just be a price tag. “well, you made 2000 donuts today and we made x-thousand dollars. yay for the company! this money shall go to something completely unknown! and you will never see the faces of the people you made food for! huzzah!” at least if i was taking care of a kid, i mean, sure, kids grow up all the time being unappreciative of what their parents did for them, but at least i’d know it was amounting to something. and it would show, in little moments throughout their life, when i could go “i sure did right by taking to science camp that one year,” or whatever. or the bad version “where did i go wrong with you?!” at least it’s something to work at. i would probably be one of those parents “well we got it right with the second one, at least!” hah

and as a stay at home dad, i’m not thinking about career ideas. it’s no longer a concern. they call those “hobbies,” and man oh man i could sure cook up some powerful hobbies. and i would no longer be hire-able after like, ten years, but i’ll be well-versed in a good couple of things, i assure you. and i would care for my hard-working wife, great and powerful wife, and i would be powerful in my own ways too. i’d only worry that someday she wished she were in my shoes, and i in hers. maybe we’d both work to some degree. it’s hard to think about

and then i think about that whole “live in a rv and travel around the country and work only from my laptop” kind of life. and it sounds fun, but i would need a stable career from my laptop, which is like, not really something i can conceive of at this point in my life, being a baker and all. like i’d probably eventually grow comfortable with bathing out of a bucket after the first few weeks, but i know it becomes real draining after a while, being a wanderer. i’d get bags under my eyes. and i’m not a very good bohemian, i feel like that’s something you have to pick up in middle school or high school, or some other formative year.

none of this is stuff i actually wanted to write about! it just happened! i wanted to write about intimacy. i read today that intimacy isn’t really about sex, or even love, or any kind of physicality. it’s about being able to tell the truth to someone, tell them truths about you and have them say “i accept you. it’s ok. and i’m going to protect your truths.” deep dark secrets, as vivien and i used to say. we always promised we would pick a day and then on that day tell each other all of our deep dark secrets. she always seemed like she had a shotgun of stories to that effect, and even though i too promised to tell mine, i can’t think of what they would be, off the top of my head. it’s another one of those things people just have to figure out about me, what my deep dark secrets are. probably the most alarming things about me aren’t things i think of as secrets, because i always think of apparently tame things like stories about my drunk dad, or how i hate and love my brother at the same time, how i used to masturbate with strangers on the internet when i was like, 15. stuff like that.

she would always tell me things that were probably supposed to alarm me and didn’t. i don’t know if that made her concerned, or pleasantly surprised, or just disappointed or what. i like to think that it made her feel accepted, and i think it did the first few times at least! like she’d be telling me she felt like a wreck, and i’d be patting her on the back and offering to get her a diet coke. i did try to do the best i could, and most of the things she told me genuinely didn’t bother me during the times she told me. none of it stopped me from wanting to get to know her. i really do crave intimacy. i think i just go about it the wrong way. i accept people hoping to be accepted and end up feeling rejected. that’s a pretty regular cycle in relationships, i think, like it’s a major factor why regular people have intimacy or commitment issues, right? anyway

i feel like i did fuck up somewhere along the line. like maybe i said something that gave her the impression she really couldn’t trust me after all, wanted to distance herself from me. maybe i talked about her too much to other people, people tend to get upset when it feels like you’re talking about them behind their back. even though i was merely infatuated and never said a negative thing about her. i really do admire things about her, and the only times i’ve ever felt any malice is during the times when she stopped talking to me and made me feel hurt. but even then i never turned around and told the nearest person she was a bitch or anything. people at work still think she’s “my girlfriend,” even though we haven’t spoken in months, and i only called her that as a white lie because i didn’t know how else to refer to her at the time. but anyway, i do think being a gossipy little bastard bothered her, and she stopped wanting to share stories with me...

or maybe she was genuinely afraid i’d finally find out something about her that i wouldn’t be able to take. which is hard for me to picture, knowing what she’s already told me, and knowing that people grow and change all the time. like, most deep dark secrets require a context. certain things might bother me more if i was like, her husband, or other things would bother me less if i knew she was only a kid at the time. or if it’s something i think i would do in her situation. i don’t like playing therapist too, i think that had something to do with it, like i wouldn’t try to make her explain things she’s been or done. just hear it and move on, like a confession booth. have her say a few hail mary’s and all is forgiven. maybe that was wrong too. maybe she needed someone to tell her how fucked up she is and here’s how to change it. or maybe she wants to be with somebody more fucked up than she is (i mean, i’m fucked up, but again, in kind of difficult ways). i do think she had the impression that i’m really put together (which i’m not). she always used to say i seemed very clean. like untarnished, or something. i’m sure my life seems really simple from the outside, really solid and Just Fine, but internally i’m always struggling from the inside. i’m always so unhappy, always pining, always wondering, always trying to figure out what’s wrong. i could be bipolar or something, but i’m highly dismissive of any self-diagnoses like that. i don’t want to be the kind of person that organizes my life around disorders, lives by disorders, relies on disorders. i feel like that’s a big trap, and i’m probably naive, but it’s the right choice for me. and i think i’m just naive, maybe. she’s also told me i was an “old soul,” and of that i’m also not always convinced. sometimes i feel like quite a young soul. i feel like i’m gonna get dumped by a woman when i’m 65 and it’ll be something i’ve never experienced before.

i kinda need to backup on that last sentence, it’s a thought i had in the shower that came after a great deal of other thoughts. what i mean is, i do feel like i’ve missed out on a lot of relationship stuff, like i’ve never had someone cheat on me, for example, and if i’m ever an old man and it happens to me, i can only hope something like maturity or a sense of humor cushions me from being too hurt by it. like, when a teenager gets into a pickle like that, they just go ballistic with emotions and it’s hard to come back from. i still have yet to experience the very highs and lows of a relationship, and i really do yearn. i want to know what a 5+ year committed relationship feels like. arguing over groceries. feeling like they don’t love you anymore. jogging together or buying a house together. helping the kids take a bath. being comfortable with sleeping in the same bed with someone. right now in my life, i tell myself “i would LOVE to be with the same person, forever,” and i want to live to a point where i can prove if that’s actually how i truly feel. i’m at a really weird spot right now, where i look at all relationships like a visitor from outside of time and space, just watching, knowing i could never be a part of it. really kind of hopeless and dismissive that i’ll ever be with anyone again, and putting very little effort into doing whatever the fuck i’m supposed to be doing. picking up chicks in a bar, i guess. making a really impressive tinder profile, growing my hair back, being an extremely eligible bachelor, somehow. it’s exhausting to think about, trying to figure out how to attract people, i’ve so given up on the whole idea. vivien was the closest i’ve been in a long time. kinda made me feel like maybe i was a little bit eligible after all. she yanked me out of the swamp a few inches, but i’m sinking back again. and it sucks. i really need to go to bed

[weeklyhumorist]

Haunted Houses for Dads

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You stroll into the first haunted house and walk through room after room after room. All the lights and TVs are on, yet there are no people. You scream silently as insanity overtakes you.

You enter what appears to be your child’s bedroom. Oh yes, there he is. He is asleep in his red race car bed. Wait, now he’s up. He has something very important to tell you about Minecraft. He keeps waking up every five minutes for the rest of eternity to tell you about creepers. Also, the room is filled with zombie snakes. They slither all over you as your child continues to regale you with stories about computer sheep. He is completely oblivious as you slip into a zombie-snake bite induced coma. “Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad! Are you even listening?” You are not listening. You are a zombie snake now.

You walk into what appears to be a grocery store. Your kids are with you and everyone keeps commenting on how full your hands are. You don’t pay any attention to them at first, because it’s what people always say. Then you finally look down and, yes, your hands are indeed full…of maggots.

You enter the haunted house and it is your living room. Except, wait, this can’t be. There is grass up to your knees. And not nice Bermuda grass, a mixture of wild grasses—dandelions, crab grass, and, oh no, St. Augustine grass?!? How is this possible? You raise your hands to your face in despair. Ouch! Your hands have been replaced by weed whackers. You notice they are lithium battery powered. That explains the grass. And why your face isn’t bleeding. Those pieces of crap can’t cut a damn thing.

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Every door in this haunted house is squeaky. It’s annoying, but you know exactly what to do. Luckily, there are hundreds of cans of WD-40 sitting around. You grab a can. It is empty. You grab more. They are all empty. You won’t stop trying until you find one that works. You grow old there, sifting through empty WD-40 cans. Eventually, you die, and the haunted house attendants bury you under a giant pile of WD-40 cans. It’s what you would’ve wanted.

You walk into a re-creation of the set of the TV show Home Improvement. It’s the set of the fake TV show within the real TV show. Was it Tool Time? Oh yes, it says Tool Time everywhere, so that must be it. This is all very meta, you think. The set is empty except for the show’s sidekick, Al. He asks you to sit down at the work bench. It is very sturdy. He explains that he is your neighbor and the other neighbors have been complaining to him about your parenting. They have told him that your kids like to dig holes in the backyard and yell a lot. And that you like to count to five to get them to stop, but it never works. You sit sullenly at the immaculate bench. Al is right. Al is always right.

You enter the haunted house to find that it is your teenage daughter’s bedroom. Your daughter is dating Steve from Stranger Things, but the jerky Season 1 version before he turned into your favorite character. They are making out on the bed. The image of his perfectly coiffed hair is burned into your retinas. All you can see is luxurious hair. You run from the house screaming. The hair follows you. It wraps around your torso, crushing your ribs. I knew I should’ve brought my Swiss Army knife, you think.

You’re at Library Storytime in this next haunted house. Your preschooler is with you. You’re the only dad in the room full of moms and kids. They pause the story to go around the room, so each mom can ask if it is daddy day care day. You smile sheepishly. Then a sheep puppet grabs you by the throat and begins to strangle you slowly, but efficiently.

You walk inside and all the doors in the haunted house leading to the outside are open. You try to shut them, but they won’t budge. You find a tool-set and start trying to fix the doors, but your kids show up and insist on “helping.” Meanwhile, the air conditioning is blasting at sixty degrees and it’s ninety-five degrees outside. You slowly lose your mind.

Each room of this house features a youth sports game or competition—soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey, tennis—none of them are keeping score. You try to keep score in your head, but it is too much. You perish beneath the weight of uncounted goals, runs, and points.

You enter this last haunted house and step inside a carnival. Fun! There doesn’t seem to be anything scary here…wait. Suddenly your children descend upon you carrying things. Lots of things. Toys, stuffed animals, water bottles, sippy cups. No problem. You have plenty of room for everything in the pockets of your cargo shorts. You look down. Oh no. This is the day you finally gave in to society’s and your wife’s insistence that cargo shorts were “uncool” and all those pockets were “unnecessary.” Before you know it, you’re suffocating beneath a pile of sippy cups. No one will help you, but one person does say, “Your shorts are very stylish.”

Haunted Houses for Dads was originally published on Weekly Humorist

[messijessi120]

The Downside of Love (Book #2)

Available July 5th

This isn’t a story about a love triangle. There is no triangle involved.

This isn’t a story about an accidental pregnancy. Although having a baby with her . . . I would.

This isn’t a story about lies and deception, even though at times I’ve lied to myself.

No, this is my story.

A story about sacrifice.

A story about a man who fell in love with the wrong girl.

A story I wish I never had to tell.

This is a story about the true meaning of the downside of love.

AVAILABLE NOW

AMAZON | Amazon UK | Amazon CA | Amazon AU

Meghan Quinn is amazing in her writing, and her story telling tops the charts. In my review I’m obviously going to review both books individually, but I wanted to make sure I give a review of the duet overall because my individual reviews are going to be a hot mess, so I just want to make sure there’s a clear understanding of how I feel…

SERIES OVERALL:

This duet will be one of those books that you’re going to have a shit load of emotions coursing through you. It was the duet I didn’t know I needed no matter how much it tore me apart. PLEASE Keep an open mind and be prepared to beat your kindles/ toss the shit out of some paperback because it’s a doozy, but please GIVE IT A SHOT, TRUST ME! I heard that this duet was a cliffhanger, I heard it would be a rollercoaster. I wasn’t prepared for it to wreck me emotionally, and even through all of it, I feel like this duet was worth every piece of emotion you’re going to feel. Reading this brought so much life out of me that sometimes you lose as reader. Reading romance isn’t for the faint of heart. You have to be prepared to open yourself up mentally and emotionally and deal with these feelings as if the characters are real people you know and love. These 2 books made me remember what I both love and hate about my passion for reading. It won’t be an easy read, I can sure as hell tell you that. But in the end it will be worth it, even if you aren’t happy with the storyline, the emotions themselves and true to life thoughts, feelings of the character’s are what make this book worth it.

NOW THE Downside of Love Book #2

We all know how the cliffhanger ends in book 1. So if you haven’t read it yet there are spoilers below so be warned…

So I’m going to try and write this review and make is sound good. I’ve been going back and forth with it for hours now and Im typing this as tears fall on my laptop so please bare with me.

Colby and Rory had such a beautiful and intimate love in book #1. I was so emotionally invested in them that when I came to the end, even thinking of starting book #2 made me sick. The knot formed in my stomach, and even though I loved them so much I had to continue on and see how, why and understand. It was so hard, and If I’m going to be completely honest I didn’t read it in its entirety, I read some pages intensely, and skimmed others. The second book was so hard for me in the beginning until about 75-80% in. My rating may be an unpopular opinion, but for me I just couldn’t connect with certain things on the levels others did. If I did I would have rated higher, but eventually I will go back and re-read Downside, by then maybe I will feel the chemistry everyone else did.

This book took my heart wich was previously ripped out of chest and stomped on it. I was broken and so so soooo angry at Rory for falling for Stryder. How could she? After we watched her give this love so effortlessly to Colby? I was so pissed at her that I skimmed the beginning of the book because It just felt wrong. Her connection with Colby was in my bones, in my soul. Then her connection with Stryder, I honestly didn’t feel it. So I had a hard time reading those chapters fully. I was shocked, stunned, confused!! AND My poor sweet Colby all I could think is why did he deserve this? My heart was soooo insanely broken for Colby that for a while I was also mad at Meghan. I thought this is almost evil, why is she doing this to HIM, TO US!??

Even so I felt Stryder’s feelings, and I hurt for him and what he was going through. I understood his pain, loving Rory, and feeling guilty for betraying Colby. He loved her so fiercely though, and she loved him a way that was stronger than her love for Colby. Even if I didn’t feel the chemistry, you could tell how natural they were together, that was plain to see. I took a step back from my feelings and I have no doubt that Rory and Stryder were the right match for each other (even though I didn’t feel it) their love made more sense than her romance with Colby (even thought I loved it).

After I finished though I realized that the reason my anger I think was so directed at Rory was because of how we watch her interact with Colby in book #1, and I had to refocus myself because in reality we have all been a Rory. We forget that we’ve all loved people in our lives in different ways, some at different times, some at the same time. She irritated me with the comparisons, but when you have only one first love it’s natural to compare. She experienced things in life that shit happens, and we can’t always control who we love. They both fought it, but her and Stryder worked better as a couple.

Rory opened Colby up to feel things he has always denied himself. While Colby showed Rory what it means to be loved, and how it feels. Even though he was her first love, and she will always have love for him, she was not truly “in love” with him in the same way that she fell in love with Stryder. Their love was on a deeper meaning. During really shitty times where love is most tested. You could see it when Rory finally saw that Stryder made her want to put herself first for a change, when she never considered it an option with Colby. Meghan was showing us that Rory and Colby’s romance was a small piece to the larger aspect of their lives. We see Colby in the epilogue interact with Ryan so easily, and would he have truly been able to do that with her if it wasn’t for his love with Rory opening him up? Like the two of them felt in the first book they needed that connection for a reason, and the reasons for needing each other were bigger than a simple HEA between the two.

Either way, Meghan’s intent wasn’t to break our hearts. She gave us a refreshing story that things don’t always work the way we expect them too. As well as that there are so many different levels to love that we don’t understand until we experience them like these characters did. Even though Colby didn’t get the HEA he so deserved in this duet. We will hopefully get to see another book with Colby and finally see things work out for him. Overall I would highly recommend reading this duet, the stories purpose is wonderful but not for the faint of heart.

*ARC provided in exchange for an honest review*

MY Rating: 3.9 stars

About the Author

Born in New York and raised in Southern California, Meghan has grown into a sassy, peanut butter eating, blonde haired swearing, animal hoarding lady. She is known to bust out and dance if “It’s Raining Men” starts beating through the air and heaven forbid you get a margarita in her, protect your legs because they may be humped.

Once she started commuting for an hour and twenty minutes every day to work for three years, she began to have conversations play in her head, real life, deep male voices and dainty lady coos kind of conversations. Perturbed and confused, she decided to either see a therapist about the hot and steamy voices running through her head or start writing them down. She decided to go with the cheaper option and started writing… enter her first novel, Caught Looking.

Now you can find the spicy, most definitely on the border of lunacy, kind of crazy lady residing in Colorado with the love of her life and her five, furry four legged children, hiking a trail or hiding behind shelves at grocery stores, wondering what kind of lube the nervous stranger will bring home to his wife. Oh and she loves a good boob squeeze!

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  Review: The Downside of Love (The Blue Line Duet #2) by Meghan Quinn The Downside of Love (Book #2) Available July 5th This isn’t a story about a love triangle.

[incontinence-paris]

Abandoned baby finds new home after visit to hospital

As a two-time breast cancer survivor, Lorraine knew she’d never have kids of her own. Then a miracle literally showed up at her feet. Humankind

TALLAHASSEE – His newborn legs were bare and cold to the touch.

That chilly May 6 morning, his short-sleeve onesie was wet, his diaper was soiled, his white bib was stained. Curled up in the bed of a Nissan pickup truck, he was without a hat, a blanket or a name.

He was less than a week old. And he was all alone.

No one knows when the baby was stowed in the truck bed or how long he was there. It would be a college student who, drawn by the sound of hushed cries, discovered him while walking through the parking lot of the Meridian Apartments on High Road. Rattled, the 22-year-old called police. It was 8:26 a.m. Within minutes, an officer arrived, followed by paramedics.

As events unfolded, helpful strangers found themselves at the right place, at the right time to help an abandoned baby out of place in a cold world.

And just a week later, as if by divine design, that baby had a name, a home and a grateful mother who longed to nurture a newborn as her own.

His name is Caleb, but his mom and dad call him Charlie.

Lights and sirens

Leon County EMS Captain Steve Suarez had just grabbed a cup of coffee on West Tennessee Street when a dispatcher’s voice piped through his field truck.

Come with "lights and sirens," the dispatcher said. He arrived in two minutes.

Tallahassee Police Officer Beth Bascom already was on the scene at the student apartment complex. In her arms, she held what looked to be a "cold, scared and young baby." All he had was a green pacifier and one unused diaper; a loosely tied shirt was partially wrapped around his head and body, the police report said.

"The biggest concern we had at that point was exposure to the elements," said Suarez, who arrived about the same time as an ambulance with two paramedics on board. "We could tell he was relatively new to the world. I think we were all struck by how cold and alone he felt in the pickup."

That Saturday morning, something told Suarez to put a special equipment bag in his truck. It contained a warming mattress designed for babies and children. The EMS field supervisor had only used it once before while training at Miami Children’s Hospital.

Suarez called it "an incredible coincidence" that left him thinking a higher power was at work.

Temperatures dipped to 49 degrees that morning — 10 degrees colder than was common for that time of year. What were the chances he of all people, with the specialized child-warming equipment and experience, was just two minutes away when the call came?

"It gives me chills just thinking about it," Suarez said. "It was one of those days I was honored and thankful that we do the work we do."

Sirens blared as the infant was rushed by ambulance to Tallahassee Memorial HealthCare. Waiting in the emergency room for the baby’s arrival was a supervising respiratory therapist just in case the newborn had trouble breathing.

‘My heart went out to him’

Lorraine Nichols will never forget that morning.

Little was known about the infant, who was given the computer-generated name "Whiskey Doe" at the hospital. Nichols, a respiratory therapist for 18 years, said he was hypothermic, his body temperature dangerously low, even after the warming efforts of the paramedics.

His paper-thin skin was peeling. He wailed from hunger pangs. Doctors estimated he was 5 to 7 days old since his umbilical cord had fallen off. Based on the seed-like appearance of his stool, he’d been breastfed.

“My heart just went out to him,” said Nichols. “He was left alone, and there’s no telling how long he was really there.”

When he arrived, Nichols monitored his breathing and oxygen intake. For the most part, the newborn was fine — cold, hungry and wet — but fine. No drugs were detected in his bloodstream. He had no obvious abnormalities.

As a supervisor, Nichols works wherever she’s needed throughout the region’s largest hospital. That morning, she happened to be working in the ER.

Right place, right time.

Nichols is a two-time breast cancer survivor.

She and her husband, Charles, had spent tens of thousands of dollars on in-vitro fertilization before they were advised to stop trying. The hormones could bring back the cancer.

The couple turned to adoption, completed the exhaustive vetting process and was told it may take years to identify a baby.

Nichols longed to be a mother to a baby like Whiskey Doe.

She fell in love; she bonded the way mothers do when they cradle new life. She was glued to him. She called her husband, telling him about the abandoned baby and her hopes to adopt him. He wholeheartedly supported her.

As the newborn remained at TMH for observation, she speed-dialed the Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) and her case manager at the Children’s Home Society regarding a possible adoption. DCF empowered Nichols to make decisions for him since the infant had no one.

The abandoned baby arrived at TMH weighing 5 pounds, 7 ounces. Four days later, 6-pound, 7-ounce Baby Charlie went home.

Charlie arrived May 10 at the Nichols’ four-bedroom northeast Tallahassee house in a new rear-facing Graco car seat. A plush cushion supported his head. A soft gray-and-white polka dot blanket kept him cozy. He was safe and secure.

The house, which sits at the entrance of a quiet cul de sac, was plastered in family portraits of his instant, forever family: his parents and three grown siblings — two brothers and a sister — and eight nieces and nephews (one on the way). Next door to a giant framed taekwondo jacket and belt mounted on a cinnamon-painted wall was Charlie’s room.

Block letters spelled out the baby’s nickname on a banner.

Inside his nursery, a white crib was lined with baby lion linens. On the aqua blue walls, Charles hand-painted colorful air balloons, flying airplanes and smiley face clouds. "Charlie" was spelled out in even bigger block letters on the front-facing wall.

Everything about the nursery said the Nicholses were, once again, proud parents.

Lorraine always wanted a baby girl, but she couldn’t bear a child. Fertility treatments could have been a death sentence. The couple was told it could be years before they found an adoptable baby. The odds seemed stacked against them.

Baby Charlie arrived one week before they were about to call a private adoption attorney — a costly option — so Lorraine could live her dream of being a mother to a young child.

"I truly believe that what God has for you is for you," she said. "It’s on his time, and God said, ‘No you’re going to get Caleb this time.’ And Caleb came with us."

The couple already had a crib and some baby necessities. They had installed childproof outlet covers and doorknob spinners since the Children’s Home Society vetted and cleared the couple for adoption in November 2016.

Married for 20 years, theirs was a May-December romance that took root.

Lorraine, 46, is 20 years younger than her husband, who is retired from the Army. They met when she was a cashier at the old Albertson’s grocery store (now Kohl’s) on Apalachee Parkway. He’d walk in with his three bouncing young children, ages 4, 5 and 9. It was quite the sight.

They both were facing a divorce. In time, they found a life mate in each other. His little ones carved a path to parenthood for a woman who always loved children.

"I helped my husband raise his three children," she said. "It doesn’t matter who they belong to, I love them."

The first week

Although she raised his kids, being a mom to a newborn was different — terrifying, even.

Days and nights were consumed by feedings every two hours and fragmented sleep. Nichols feared she’d "break him" — first-time mom jitters.

"Oh Lord, what have I done," she thought. Reality sunk in.

Lorraine, admittedly, was delusional. She thought she could care for the newborn without the benefit of maternity leave. She was wrong. Nichols ended up taking nine weeks, three weeks shy of the maximum leave allowed at TMH.

Throughout the haze of instant motherhood, she was thankful.

She was finally living the wonder and worry of nurturing a newborn, from changing diapers to sifting through mounds of gifted and purchased baby clothes, including church suits with matching neck and bow ties.

This is what she’d been missing. This is what she’d prayed for.

Every day, Lorraine talked to God. She wrote prayers and praises on Post-It sticky notes. On her side of the master bathroom, a sheet of yellow notes covers the inside of her "prayer closet," inspired by the movie War Room.

This is where she asked God to make a way, one that would lead to a child who needed her.

God answered.

Right place, right time.

Two weeks ago, she and her husband sat at their oval-shaped dining room table decorated with holiday plates and napkins. A 9-foot Christmas tree shimmered in silver tinsel and ornaments.

In a sweet child-like voice, Lorraine snuggled against Charlie’s soft cheek and said, “Mommy, I made it through, and I’m 7 months old now. You didn’t break me.”

Lorraine wants to be perfect for him.

She consulted her "Baby Center" app as often as she does her Bible. Co-workers and her Bethel Missionary Baptist Church family showered her with advice, encouragement and baby gifts. Charles is the ideal stay-at-home dad. He pitches in and leans on his experience juggling his young children — two followed his military footsteps.

Fatherhood is different this time around. He’s not the Army drill sergeant raising children on his own after his first wife walked out.

At 67, he enjoys being a support system for his wife who works 12-hour shifts three days a week at TMH and teaches part time at Tallahassee Community College.

“I just wanted to support my wife," he said. "Whatever she wants. Whatever makes her happy makes me happy."

Since Charlie’s arrival, the father-son moments are too many to count. The baby combs dad’s beard with his fingers and plants wet, slobbery kisses on his bald head.

“I love Charlie," he said. "That’s my buddy, my best friend and my sidekick.”

On Sept. 7, four months after Charlie appeared in their lives, his adoption was finalized.

Since then, the couple has tackled each day while planning for the future. Charlie has a passport for a family cruise in March. Swim lessons set up in April. Taekwondo classes by age 3 or so.

His parents will encourage him to play an instrument. They’ll urge Charlie to attend and finish college. He’ll receive a full ride from the state if he goes to a Florida school.

Wrapped presents bunch around the base of the Christmas tree at the Nichols home. A motorized train circles its base. Relatives traveling from as far as California and Texas are set to meet Charlie.

They’ll witness the baby’s christening on Christmas Eve. For the occasion, he’ll wear an all-white pantsuit and dress shoes. They’ll take turns holding Charlie, who’ll likely steal their hearts with every coo and cry.

This Christmas will truly be special.

"I feel all goodness for him, and that he’s going to be somebody," Lorraine said. Her gentle rocking lulled him to sleep in her arms. "And it’s all God’s plan. I just really believe that, and I tell him that all of the time."

She can’t but pray for Charlie’s birth mother, who nourished Charlie with her breast milk. Who knows if she was alone when he was born. Who knows what made her, or someone else put the newborn in the back of a pickup truck owned by someone who didn’t even live in the apartment complex where he was found.

Who knows.

Lorraine said there are too many what-ifs to count. She thinks of them all. Yet she doesn’t judge the mother or the father.

"All I can do is pray for her, and I still pray for her to this day because you don’t know what people go through or are going through," she said. "I can just imagine that she wanted her child to be safe."

She prays a divine message may reach the mother to let her know the baby is in good hands. He’ll have a good life.

"It’s just been amazing," Lorraine said, looking down on his face. "This is my Christmas gift."

Source Article

Learn More At: http://www.incontinence-paris.com/abandoned-baby-finds-new-home-after-visit-to-hospital/

[meanwhileinoz]

10+ Ex Husbands Reveals When It Was Finally Enough For Them, Grab Popcorn

If you’ve wondered how far a man has to be pushed before they say enough,

Then this article will answer it for you. Most divorce stories online are because of something scandalous or heartbreaking, like cheating or falling out of love. And it’s often from the female perspective too, so these stories are extremely eye opening. These are stories of men who have been through something devesating, and there’s no way you can read these without feeling for them.

These were shared on Reddit, and almost none of them have a happy ending. Divorces aren’t exactly Disney endings. They’re agony, and legal court systems favour women, with the wife getting custody of the children 84.4% of the time where the husbands become ATMs to provide child support checks regullarly.

Get popcorn, get tissues, because this is going to be an emotional ride.

Source: Reddit

1. Affairs.

“She let me know she was pregnant and wanted my permission to tell all her girlfriends during a girls’ night out.

Since I knew there was no possible way it was my child, she was also unknowingly admitting to having an affair. I can do math and deduce, and she clearly couldn’t. It was with her boss.

Lawyered up the next day, and he ate her alive in court. I got primary custody of our child we already had, and child support, and a sheriff’s notice that she had to vacate my home in 30 days.

I never knew she could be that dumb.”

2. The abusive mom wins custody.

“I always refused to raise my voice during arguments, which usually made her crazier and scream louder. After one such argument, during which our 3-year-old daughter was playing upstairs, she started coming down at the same time her mother was storming up the stairs like a child of comparable age. Our daughter was in the way and her mother got in her face and screamed, ‘GOD, I FREAKING HATE YOU, MOVE!’

Of course, my daughter came to me, hurt. That was the moment I decided it was over.”

3. Thanksgiving.

“We were already not speaking. It was Thanksgiving. I knew she wasn’t going to bother, but I made a turkey and whatever goes with turkey for my then 8-year-old daughter. I had the turkey out on the counter to rest after roasting.

My beloved bride walked in, calmly threw the turkey in the kitchen trash can, and walked out.

I had to take my kid to freaking Golden Corral for Thanksgiving. That was it. I was done.”

4. Afghanistan.

“When, after being in Afghanistan for 8 months (May ’02-Nov ’02), she was missing, but had my car, I found two random women, with kids and pets, living in the apartment I paid for, the electricity cut off, had no money in my bank account, a pay advance authorized by my commander, and a friend telling me to go easy on her because she was 5 months pregnant with HIS kid.

OH! And he had had heart surgery to remove some kind of cysts from his heart just before I left. He was 23, had a pacemaker, and basically half a heart. If I scared him, he could die.

I’d say that was the moment.”

5. Narcissist.

“Besides the narcissism, random violence and violent outbursts, it was her strange punishments. Her last one doomed her. My crime? I forgot milk on the way home from work so she didn’t talk to me, not one word, for a week. PURE BLISS, for a week. When she asked if I was ready to apologize, I handed her the divorce papers.

‘Why?’

‘Because you rob me of solitude, but provide me with no companionship.’”

6. Abused for years.

“I endured a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship for over six years with my first wife, four of which we were married. There were many, many instances that should have caused our marriage’s demise.

The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, though, was eight days after I had major oral surgery. Due to a freak medical occurrence, I had to have 28 teeth cut out and two holes drilled into my sinus cavities from top of the back of my gums.

She and I were in a grocery store parking lot, and I asked her not to start an argument in the store because it’s a small town and I was so tired of being ‘those people.’ Her reaction was to backhand me in the mouth. Six times.

Or at least, I counted six times because I’m pretty darn sure I lost consciousness. I just remember waking up when we were pulling into our driveway while she was freaking out because my face was against the window and blood was coming from my mouth like a fountain.”

7. Thankless.

“Not me, but one of my best friends. He got a pretty substantial year end bonus from work. He decided to use most of it for his wife’s Christmas gift and pay off her remaining student loans (~$14,700).

Christmas morning (he was nice enough to let me stay at his place when I traveled for work, as he lived 20 minutes from the airport) we all woke up and had breakfast. His family and her parents came over and we started exchanging gifts.

Besides paying off her loans, he had gotten her a few times items. She opened the card saying her loans were paid off she just sat there for a minute. After the silence, and assuming she was kinda in shock, she asked, ‘Did you seriously not get me anything else? I bought you that stupid keyboard (the wrong one, btw) and you only got me a few things?’

At that point, his brother-in-law and myself decided to go hang out in another room for a while they ended up getting into a huge fight. A day later, when he was dropping me off at the airport, he told me that he was going to visit a lawyer and get a divorce.”

8. Bisexual wife.

“She woke me up in the middle of the night to grab the extra blanket off the bed. I expected to find her disgruntled on the couch alone the next morning. I found her in the guest bed with another woman- both naked. No forewarnings or clue-ins. Just despondent betrayal.

I woke her for answers and got a whole lot of mumbles. Decided to split for ‘space.’

That weekend, we both ended up at the same bar on the same dance floor. I thought she’d followed me there to make amends. She’d brought the same girl and completely ignored me when I called out to her. When I walked up to her, she pretended I was a stranger…I told her I’m not going to play any games and didn’t know what was going on. She said she didn’t want to be married. I gave her the ring back and went to tell my friends goodbye that night. I didn’t want to tell them why, I felt so embarrassed.

She saw me talking to my friends and decided to make out in front of us with her new woman directly on the dance floor eight feet away from where I stood while everyone stared.

Looking back now, I realize she probably was scared to come out. I can give her credit for that. But she was an awful person for the way she did it and for never having the courage to say to my face whatever she was feeling. I thought we were best friends. I thought we were going to be together forever… She asked me to marry her.

Now I’m just grateful for not being with a liar and a coward. I’ve made a fresh start. Sold everything. Traded my entire wardrobe and style to feel like I’m in a new life. Sure, I’ve lost more money than I ever thought imaginable. And the dog… I just keep optimistic that I’ll find someone who deserves my time. I don’t focus on the past and I have faith in God and the future.

Whoever I marry next will be grateful for a man like me and loyal. But until then I’m gonna enjoy the single life again and just play.”

9. Wes Coast.

“We met and spent the first seven years of our married life on the West Coast, then moved East. Five years later, I took a job back on the West Coast, but it was the middle of the school year, so I went out ahead and lived on my own until everyone could join me.

Things hadn’t been very good between us for a while, but I hadn’t articulated it to her—or even myself—beyond vague feelings of dissatisfaction.

One weekend, out there on my own, I decided to take a day and drive to one of my favorite towns, a town in which I had lived long before I knew her, a town we had visited often while married. It was late afternoon and I was about to head back to my hotel when I realized that I could visit a particular beach that had special meaning to me from my earlier life there.

I stopped at a convenience store, grabbed a Grolsch like I used to drink on that beach, and drove out there. Hiked out to a specific spot I remembered, sat down, popped the beer, and looked out over the ocean. And it hit me that I hadn’t done that in over 20 years. Whenever we’d visit the area, I’d suggest stopping at the beach, but she wasn’t interested and would always veto the idea.

I’m sure reading this it seems like the tiniest thing, but it was the catalyst for me, realizing just how completely dissatisfied I was with our relationship. I think from the time I sat down, I knew it was over within maybe 10 minutes. Just sitting there, sipping my beer, looking at the ocean.”

10. Always absent.

“My wife was around less and less…had to be free to live her life, go out with her friends. More often than not, she would call me to pick our daughter up from daycare, even though she’d promised to pick her up and have some girl time…’Just tell her I’m working late or not feeling well.’

She always had something better to do and the kids were old enough to know better. I went to pick our daughter up one day. When they called her name, she came running over until she saw it wasn’t mom, again. Her shoulders drop and she slowly walked over to ask, ‘What’s her excuse this time?’ That was the breaking point. Told her to get out and even helped pay her security deposit to get her out.”

http://ift.tt/2zStKIW

[books-n-wine]

~**~ ARC Review: The Other Brother by Meghan Quinn ~**~

***5 Once In A Lifetime’ Stars***

O M G Smalls!

Well, I guess I really should call him Aaron from now on, even though he’s been Smalls for two books, but seriously!

This man was just….*happy dopey sigh* everything!

And I thank the powers that be for that because, as we all know, the whole love triangle trope isn’t my favorite one, not that I hate it or anything, but I just don’t readily reach for it if given a choice. But, for more reasons than one, I really didn’t have a choice because I wanted Aaron’s story so badly and I loved every word of it. From getting to know Aaron and Amelia to watching as they reconnected and dealt with their past, as well as their present and the ever present current boyfriend. The Other Brother was the perfect of sweet, smexy, humor, drama and a whole lot of heart that makes so difficult to put the book down.

Okay. I’m obviously in full on adoration with Aaron. He’s full on top BBF material, but he falls in the practically perfect side of the spectrum because the man does have his faults and while those faults are in large part due to how he grew up, which had my heart hurting for him, and are for all intents and purposes, selfless, he ain’t perfect, believe me I wanted to reach out and smack some sense into him. But what he is, is a man who didn’t have the perfect childhood, but kept his heart golden and worked really hard to achieve his goals and better himself.

Now with so much “I adore Aaron” going on, it may seem like Amelia got pushed to the background, but that isn’t necessarily the case. She is sassy, snarky, has a bit of a wild streak that only comes out to play in certain situations as well as a bit of a tendency to overreact. But at her core she is driven and has a compassionate heart that cares so deeply that, while it can take a beating, it takes a while for the hurt to go away.

Their journey is a mish mash of love triangle and second chance, but more so second chance than any else, which I was very happy about for obvious reasons. Their journey was about forgiveness, redemption and doing a lot of soul searching about what it meant to be in love with someone vs. loving someone and while that made for a bumpy ride, it was tempered by a sort brutal honesty by both Aaron and Amelia that brought about a clarity and understanding of what broke them apart and opened the door to a new relationship between them. I honestly loved Aaron and Amelia together, the chemistry between them jumped off the page and they just felt right, even with the baggage they were carrying. The big old twist in their relationship is stated in the description, but I really liked how it played out and where they were at in the end.

The Other Brother is simply a swoonfest. There are laugh out loud moments, even when it didn’t revolve around Racer, and sniffly teary eyed moments (not good ones to have whilst reading at work) but all in all this was a well thought out love story. I’m doing the verbal vomiting/gushing/broken record thing, but I can’t help it. As for the supporting cast of characters. I loved catching up with Tucker, Emma, Racer and George and if I didn’t already adore them,I would after experiencing them and the loyalty they have to each other through Aaron’s eyes. And then there is Amanda, Amelia’s BFF, I fucking ADORE this girl and I’m crossing my toes that we will get more of her in the future because she is truly badass!

~ Copy provided by the author & voluntarily reviewed ~

I got the call. The dreaded call every child fears. My dad wasn’t well, and the man who had always been my everything needed me. There was only one thing to do; pack up and head back to my hometown. I had finally made my dream life in the city with the great job and loving boyfriend. But was there really a choice not to go? I found a wonderful job, a quaint house to rent, my boyfriend was working on joining me in Binghamton, and my favorite pizza place was only miles away. Life was good. Until I met my neighbor. It's been three years since I'd seen Aaron Walters, and my God is he all kinds of sexy gorgeous. Figures. He was supposed to be my forever, the man I grew old with, but he had different plans. How can a man who ripped my heart apart still trip me up? How can he make me still want him now more than ever? I’m tempted, I’m drawn toward him, I’m completely and utterly unaware that I’m dating his biological brother. Now two men own my heart. The question is, which brother will I choose?

Release Date: November 2nd, 2017

Goodreads | Amazon US * AU * CA * UK | Print

Born in New York and raised in Southern California, Meghan has grown into a sassy, peanut butter eating, blonde haired swearing, animal hoarding lady. She is known to bust out and dance if “It’s Raining Men” starts beating through the air and heaven forbid you get a margarita in her, protect your legs because they may be humped.

Once she started commuting for an hour and twenty minutes every day to work for three years, she began to have conversations play in her head, real life, deep male voices and dainty lady coos kind of conversations. Perturbed and confused, she decided to either see a therapist about the hot and steamy voices running through her head or start writing them down. She decided to go with the cheaper option and started writing… enter her first novel, Caught Looking.

Now you can find the spicy, most definitely on the border of lunacy, kind of crazy lady residing in Colorado with the love of her life and her five, furry four legged children, hiking a trail or hiding behind shelves at grocery stores, wondering what kind of lube the nervous stranger will bring home to his wife. Oh and she loves a good boob squeeze!

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